What I have to fit into the small parcel of time that is my day kind of sends electric shards right through my soul. Am I doing and becoming all that I meant to be or is there something more to life there is to find out and more to know. I am scared of the concept of time and the fact that it is fleeting. What else can we do with it but watch it slip by. I need to some how wade and decipher all the messages coming at me and it starts with a simple step back and reflection of time.
Maybe in the here and now but I need to move towards the things that drive me and it starts with the anger in my heart that I have held onto from long ago. Not that I mean to any longer or I intend to keep the hate within me it is just so hard to let go of something that has been a part of me for as long as I have ever known. Anger is my crutch. My past and what has happened I have used to acquire sympathy. I guess my sister is right when she says all I care about is the drama but I like to refer to it as an enlightened stated of being. We are all spiraling nowhere or maybe it is somewhere like to become another finite particle that just floats above us deep in space, these facts we will never be able to know. I get sick and then I get scared, so I look for a deeper meaner in existence that will somehow make everything begin to make sense. The feeling is that there is no sense in continuously trying just existing, and finding the peace and harmony that exists with every ebb and flow.
Being human is weird isn’t it? It’s like the one thing we can all agree on is that none of this makes sense. Think of spending your whole life working towards nothing because all of your hard work is soon to be nothing as soon as you die. It’s not like you can help it. None of us can but if you don’t have a next of kin to inherit all that you were in this life what happens to the next in your bloodline? You cease to exist when nobody even knows or cares that you were born. Think about how many people that happens to and it is no wonder that we are soon to implode. Take a look at our doppelganger’s. You don’t think that we would see similar faces along Cleopatra’s next of kin? Everybody looks the same when carved out of bronze and made into a statue. At least I believe they try to ensure that we all leave this Earth captured in our best images.
What keeps me awake at night is the thought that one day I might die. I might not have an heir to leave all my eccentricities off too so it makes me look at my husband with an amorous eye. Don’t worry eventually we begin to speak then it’s like a no holds barred extravaganza that could leave even the toughest boxer’s knees weak. Not that we are ever physical but some words hit like blows that can knock your socks off. I mean I used to care very much what was being said between us but these days I am becoming to be a little more than exhausted. To each their own who prefers to carry on their lives in their own ways. I still prefer a crazy house with all these animals then never being a wife and having my kid. He makes every day worth it even the most horrible ones. I vowed to always stick it out and be here with him so I remind myself that being together is the blessing in every day. Those that no longer have a parent or a child here in this reality with them will tell you there is no greater pain here on Earth. We all anticipate for what it will feel like and who it will hit when that day is coming but we don’t like to taunt the darkness for too long because it makes us too weak.
I am loving the process of watching my son grow into what I am hoping is a fine, young man. I do need to be better at some things but come one are you kidding with all the nook and cranny cleaning. The whole time I am looking at something that has come from my son I thank the Lord and Heavens for such a great mom that I have. How much she would have thought similar thing watching us grow up and now here I am watching her starting to grow old. It hurts. I apologize to her all the time for taking away her youth. I try to tell her that I will make it up to her one day but I am scared that where we are going I may never find out. It breaks my heart knowing that there is a time coming when none of us exists. I sure hope wherever we end up we end up together and doesn’t hurt and as painful as all this. Death is that one thing we can never be sure of and it hurts like hell when somebody we love has moved on. It hurts knowing that there is such a divide forever built between us and we may never be able to fix it our live out our dreams.
One day this will all hopefully make sense but what if the reality is that it never does. Imagine all of this becomes absolutely nothing, worthless to everybody. Makes you wonder why we all prefer fighting instead of being more quiet kindof like a mouse.