A Life of Anxiety and Being Depressed

I have been on a form of anti-depressants my whole life. Growing up in the era of Suicide Girls and 90’s Grunge Music what hope in h3ll did a young girl have?

I was always highly emotional. What can one expect after everything that happened to me. I didn’t go on anti-depressants right away after my teenage trauma, it took years of self-discovery and friends’ betrayal for me to end up that way.

I was relatively happy and incredibly shy. I felt horribly ugly, and I had no idea as to why. I always knew I felt a little bit differently, that other people wouldn’t have a way of relinquishing all my fears. I wanted some sort of validation in my life. Something that I was never going to receive here living at my dad’s home. Secretly I felt like the biggest embarrassment, and I could feel the desire of my family wishing that I would go away. So, I did.

It took my live-in boyfriend cheating on me with one of my co-workers and closest friends. They slept together in the basement of her house while we were partying in the next room. That level of disrespect has sat with me all these years. The way he moved out and into her house as soon as she kicked her husband out had my reeling for years. They are no longer together, and he has had a lot of obstacles come up in his life. He asked me one time for forgiveness but how can I forget that role he had in my life?

Moving back in with my Dad I was devastated. There was nothing more than I could do then drink water and sit back on the couch and hope and pray he would change his mind. Can you believe at 19 I was so damaged that I would have done anything to have him back? My over emotionally charged body was too much for my Dad to handle or even begin to understand. He dragged me into my family doctor and demanded that he did whatever he could, so he did and off and running I was with my first prescription of Prozac just as the band Prozzak was taking off with their hit song strange disease.

Thinking back about everything that happened I bet you why that is why I got my DUI. It is common knowledge not to drink while anti-depressants now I think I know the reason why. I went out after two weeks of isolation with a girlfriend from my school. The shots were flowing and so was the beer until I noticed that both of them had entered through the door. Everybody stopped because we all knew what happened, small town mentality, had everybody stand up on pins and needles but as I walked up towards her all I could think about is that I wanted it to go away. I thought that I had solved the problem when I told her no hard feelings and I would be around if she decided that she would like to dance, like we used to.

Everything was fine until the end of the night. My friend’s babysitter got arrested for being out past curfew, I can’t even begin to explain this type of life. I knew I was too drunk to drive so I walked to my friend’s house but what ended up happening is I found myself behind my ex-boyfriend and friend. I don’t know if they saw me but all they kept on talking about was what a waste of skin I was and am. How much can one person take? I lost my future and the life that I thought I wanted now to hear I witness too people I thought I could trust just talking trash about me like I no longer mattered! Nah there is only so much one person can take before the blood starts to boil and there is no chance that the anger will ever go away.

I want to practice forgiveness, but it is so hard after everything I have been through and done. I never thought it was “cool” to be on medication. In fact, I stopped taking it right after I was arrested. Ya, the ex called the cops on me after I tossed his bike in the streets and it broke in half. I didn’t care. He destroyed me. IN fact, she took me out for lunch and kept me distracted while he was busy moving out of our house. What did I ever do to him for him to treat me this way? I had dinners cooked every day, lunches packed, house cleaned, laundry done and how was I dealt with? With him banging one of my best friends. No thanks

Oddly enough when I went away to school all the girls were talking about a drug that could make everything better. What they were talking about was Paxil and they were encouraging me to go get it. Was it truly that cool to have mental anxiety or a strange disease that the rest of the world didn’t understand? Could a drug really help sustain and control your personality so you can fit in better with the outside world? Wasn’t there a way to work through that type of tragedy and grief without alcohol and drugs because in my attempt to try and understand what I was going through all I ended up doing was making it all worse.

Sometimes I think that I miss who I used to be but then I remember the truth and the reality. What I allowed to happen under the guise of it being ok was truly never going to be that way. In order to let go of all the bad things that happened to me I have to accept that the Universe had and always will be in control and in the end, I will come out ok.

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