Consistent Collateral Damage

I just want to run away and hide but I can’t because I have my son.

My husband hates me more than any being in this world and I can feel how much he hates me burn me right to my core. He makes fun of me for everything and at 3 AM I think that reality finally hit home.

The Colorado Hammer Killer? Ever hear of him? If you ever, did it would be sure to make your blood run cold. One of his surviving victims got married weeks after her vicious attack. All her soon to be husband knew is that she was the most amazing woman in the Universe, so he knew he had to put a ring on that. I have never experienced a feeling of loyalty like this how I would love to hear somebody say those kinds of words.

My husband hates everything about me and I can no longer hear him call me a c*nt on the regular, I am pretty sure he doesn’t even remember my name. Another night of me crying myself to sleep because of all the things he insists on saying to me in front of my son. My heart is breaking into a million pieces and there is nowhere for me to run.

He calls me a loser for not being able to hold down a job and keep a clean house. Other wives don’t have 3 dogs, 9 cats, 5 budgies and 2 chinchillas and a husband who looks at them with disgust in their eyes. I have nothing left on the inside as I continue to die inside. I hate that he does this in front of our son. My only hope is one day he can see thru all of his lies.

I was taking his blows like a champion keeping my tears from falling from my eyes. Your a loser. A terrible wife and mother. You can’t even hold down a job. Nobody likes you and you have no friends. Not even your family will bail you out and help you so who do you think wins in the end?

I am beyond stuck here and I have no idea what to even do. My son is finally getting settled in school and he even is in extra activities to boot. It’s just the worst feeling in the world being disrespected everyday then having my words turned and used back against me like I am a nobody with no say and no feelings all I ever feel is not good enough and always waiting for the next bombard of cruel words and his next attack.

This morning at 4 am I am called a goof for wanting to take care of my son. My son is a little more than high maintenance there is a little something off with the hard wiring in his brain. He has kept me up since midnight with his crazy demands and the last to come in was a glass of chocolate milk which I thought the husband had grabbed from the grocery shop this morning. He did not.

So instead of a quick trip to the Mac’s came into a crazy emotional tirade leading to my husband claim that I was raising a monster citing I was a bad mother with sh*t for brains. I can’t live this life with him anymore as I feel like I am going insane. To think I tried to give him the respect of wearing his wedding ring again, so I tossed it down the drain.

Where most women get called pet names, I get called a c*nt. How much more am I supposed to take before I finally have had enough to walk out? Is it low self-esteem or laziness that keeps me here? Sometimes I like to pretend that it is all these animals that have me living in this house in constant fear. I know that I am hated and that is the furthest thing from love. I would ask my angels for some sort of help down here, but I think they have grown tired from constantly trying to help me while they are resting high above.

We are only supposed to talk about the good moments and hold all the moments deep within. The problem with that mentality is I fear the evil among us will always have the upper hand and always win. I don’t want to hurt my husband by speaking my truth. All I want is to hear that I am not alone and to hang in there that there will be brighter times soon coming if you can just find the strength to tell yourself you are worthy of having a life full of nice things. Nice feelings or whatever you amount your life into being. All I want is to feel true happiness again and maybe have the potential to hear my heart sing.

I can’t imagine a lifetime of never knowing what human compassion or love would feel like again. All I know is that I am hated, and I fear in time the evil will take over inside of me and win. I will never move past all these insults or even consider him a friend. I know people who truly care about one another, and they would never imagine saying something to have their loved one feel like this. I am not raising a monster I am raising the most beautiful soul that might just be a little bit misunderstood. I am strong on the outside for my son until he is raised then I fear for what is left of me and who I am to become.


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