It’s 2:30 in the morning here and it is the husband’s favourite time to come alive. I can’t handle his rage and the way he deals with his emotions; it isn’t fair that any woman and child should ever have to feel this way.
My son has a very over active mind which makes it hard for him to settle and the husband’s way of reacting with him is by calling my names and throwing the remote at my face. Once again in front of our son it is the, “I hate your mother she is too lazy to get up and do anything, never mind that I was up for 18 hours too depressed from always being treated this way.”
Imagine everyday like clockwork during the witching’s hour your husband’s hate comes alive and threatens to take the lasts bit of your sanity away. I hate your f*cking whining and crying all the time. You are the reason why I will always act this way. Funny because the way you insist on treating me is why I feel this way.
This is my h3ll and there is no way out. I can’t handle what will happen if I finally grow a set of balls to finally leave. If I didn’t give a damn for other living beings it would be so easy. Why did the Universe give me some man who was incapable of any sort of love and being kind to those he swore to the Universe he would always try to protect. Every night is the same thing. He scares the life out of our son, so he is unable to sleep. The nightmares that he has I can’t even imagine. I don’t know what it will take for this man to finally give up and stop. I will always maintain and now I will start being vocal about it, a real man would never treat the people so badly that he supposedly loves.
Ever have some persons grind you to the bone that there is no chance in h3ll waters there will ever be an ounce of respect for them left? That is how I feel about the husband. Consistent erosion of my psyche has made me see him for who he truly is and never was. I will never forgive him for these 6 years of torture and unspeakable acts.
Whomever this man was supposed to be to me has been the leacher of all my happiness and love. He has said unspeakable things about how my family feels about me and how it came to be that I can’t imagine it being from a place of goodness that has been sent from above. This is evil. This is pure evil. I can’t speak to anything other than I need to find a way to get out. I didn’t realize the complicated layers that would keep me bound to him now, I have to find a way to get my sanity together so that I can leave.
The complication arises because I just want to appear normal for my son. I want to pretend like all the under handed comments and insults coming towards me constantly somehow don’t hurt. I want to believe that I am worthy of life filled with happiness and love before I get to return to my heavily ascent to the Heaven’s far up above.
The fear that runs through me that I might not be doing something that he approves makes the blood run cold in every single vein. I know it is a matter of time before the yelling starts or insults fly and all I can do now is beg to him to stop and start to cry which just angers him more. it is a vicious cycle that I wish would just go away but there is not a hope of that ever happening if this man has his final say.
He is about to tell our son again that he is about to lose his mind. He is about to come unhinged like an uncaged animal and it is going to take everything inside of me not to run away and hide. How do I stop the rage that is sure to soon come when all I want is to try to raise my son in the best possible way that I can? Who has these answers and where do I go for help? I am scared for how much this man hates me all I want to do again is try and find my smile.
I am willing to live my days out incredibly unhappy so that all the lives living here can be. My biggest fear is never coming out of this melancholy and having the rest of my self-esteem ground into nothing. I truly can’t take any more of his anger and hate for me coming out of his mouth. I can’t keep telling my son that this isn’t how a real man treats the woman that he loves. This is what we signed up for when we continued this charade built on anything but love.
The only thing that draws me out of the darkness is this belief that we only live once. That I have to find a way to honour the being that is alive inside of me and stop worrying so much about everybody else. Impossible task I know but it all starts with letting out what is festering inside of you and begin living your own truth. Live like nobody could ever tarnish your dreams or continuously stand in your way. There will always be being sent out to defy you. You have to believe that Ying and yang has always played out in such a way.
I am far too sensitive, far too much for my own good. I know that if something is going to be caught and made to feel it is going to be my heart left out doing all of the work. It has been communicated to me that I have victimized mentality, meaning I always feel like I am being back into a corner wishing and hoping that the evil I think is waiting outside to get me will eventually step to the side and move out of the way. What is holding me back is my own soul and conscious trying to make it so I always remain on the sidelines too hesitant to live.