White Knuckle It

The hardest battle right now is where I stand and that is the day that I became a mother to my little man.

There is just something about being a mom that I canèt even explain that has been even heightened I mean it is beating on my brain. The last two years have been putrid and I think in some sense almost ruined my son. What would you have done if you didnèt have to work and collect a paycheque I literally isolated ourselves from everyone.

No more momès group, play groups or the potential for snotty nose kids. We were told to keep away from everybody just in case somebody was carrying something noxious and mean. If you didnèt have to risk why would you so we just sat around here in the house. I am not sure if it did any good for any of our relationships now I am starting to see the damage I may done to my kid.

Donèt talk about it rightÉ Then what happens to this situation. All my energy, my focus, my heart is trying to ensure that he has a future worthy of such a special lil being. The stress from thinking that he is different but maybe he is not. How can you pre judge anybody who is under 5 but if you miss something there is potential for so much harm.

My angry lil boy is the product of even angrier parents so who are we to say what is normal and if he is not. There is something out there called ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, that fits my son right to the tee but who knows. I keep telling them (and by them I mean his teachers, occupational therapists, doctors and such) lets just wait and see what happens, get to know him and see how things seem. RightÉ How terrible is that or maybe itès not terrible at all. I have a lot of eggs in this basket (basket being my son) that I donèt think that all of us could potentially miss.

Theres a spark in my sons eye that canèt really be explained till you meet him leaving most people being drawn in then could ever possibly be pushed away. I keep telling anybody who will listen that I am excited for who it is that he is to become but we just need to make sure that we allow him to blossom as such. Letès give him ALL the tools to be successful instead of putting a label on him right away. We all know what happens when somebody getès labled with that bright letter A.

So yesterday it was brought to my attention that the last lil boy in his class had dropped out. Reasoning, there was too many girls and not enough boys and I couldnt help but feel a little stab. My little boy is not good enough for your little boy to be friends. I know I take things a little too personal but that is what I hear when I am confronted with BS like that. Then they went on and on about how pre k is a waste of time. I was like alrighty then that is your opinion can you keep your closed off son away from mine.

Eeeepppp get back in your cave momma bear this isn’t your time to flex your claws and climb. You have to let your cub explore on his own and be positive and just sit back and give it some more time. Nothing is personal when it comes to doing what we believe is in our best interests for our cubs including how I will feel in the future when your path eventually crosses over with mine. Imagine just imagine another year of no socialization for my son. Nah I am talking a VERY different approach with this one I am letting him know how special it is how he has decided to spend his time.

I will always build up what he accomplishes in class even if he recognizes there are no boys, and he is looking for a friend. The school has been more than accommodating including arranging little parcels of time with other boys where they can play together and possibly interact. I think what we are teaching our son is to stick up for what you believe in and use your voice. I think it is great that he is showing so much potential and somehow defying all odds between you and me.

Watching him sleep I know that I am doing the best that I can and my heart swells with pride when he refers to me as his best friend. I love that guy to the ends of the Universe and the furthest depths of my soul that he will have me trying relentlessly until the day that I am forced to let go. There is nothing I won’t do to help my little man succeed and that includes everything as far as the eye can see.

I get mad at the Universe even though I know she is here. She is the reason why I am fortunate enough to have this life that I am living in no matter the obstacles in my path that I begin to fear. It’s just me. It’s all my own. The fear that I feel started when I was a young girl who was still living at home. What I was taught is that not everything that is promised can last forever, the family you cherished that you grew up with will be the first to be waiting on the wings watching you as you go.

To each their own is what we will always hear but what I feel has me grinning from ear to ear. I am happiest being a mom with all its complications that even when times get tough I dig my heels in and get ready to white knuckle it.

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