Is it just me or relinquishing control to the Universe starts to make one feel insane? I sit here trying to be thankful for what has been given to me, but I can’t help but wonder how much easier life would be if I had a bit more control. Is it selfish to be able to indulge in the senses the way that I desire, or should I just be content with what I have never asking for anything more?
Of course, I have wants and desires, but I would never put them ahead of the people I love and the people that I have grown close too, you know the ones that I have come to know. My son is the light of my life. I can’t explain it but as long as I have him in this world, I have a hard time asking for or even desiring for more. I love his laugh or the way he smiles at me. I think we have grown closer now that he is becoming independent, and he is finding his way in school.
I know there will be a time when he is no longer by my side, and I hope and pray that the both of us will be strong enough to embrace that day. Even now I can’t believe he is not in this house and that I can’t hear his laughter coming from the other side of the house inside of his room. I know that I should be thankful for this moment, so I try my best to show the world how happy I truly am. I am getting confused on this world that has become so accessible to anybody with a phone or even computer that at times it makes me want to shy away from the rest of the world, even though I know I can’t.
In order for my son to live his best life he needs to see all of us living the best lives that we can. Do we engage in activities that make us happy or do we close ourselves off from everything we see in the outside world? At times when I feel like I am getting too conceited I think about all the things in life that I fear I will never be blessed enough to have then I think of those whose lives were ripped away too soon to put into perspective that the life I am living is truly not that bad.
In our perfectionist state like mind, we always wish for something more, I know that I do but the thing that I desire most is the one thing that the Universe has always warned me to stay away from and that I can never possibly have. I think that is why I get mad at her at times as I feel like in life, I have already paid an infinite price but then she reminds me what it feels like to be broken and I don’t think I am ready for that piece of the pie or slice. To feel truly broken is one of the worst possible things and when I think about what I could have lost in this life I know I have not come even close to having my heart broke into pieces so that I can no longer sing.
I want to ask the Universe for so many things, but I don’t want to risk any of the lives that I have come to be close with. Does that make sense? I feel if I ask for a prosperous life filled with happiness and love that maybe one of those things that I cherish so dear may in the end get taken away. I know that one day they will all leave me and one day I will have no choice but to leave too. I hate that feeling that we are plummeting all towards nothing and there will be a time where I won’t know anybody or anything.
How I long to be younger with no concept of time. I think that is what makes it harder at times when I am threatened with the possibility that life as I remember it is vastly running out. All the things I aspired to do have no extinguished itself in its final hooray. I can’t stomach that feeling that everything I held so dear and loved and cherished will find itself at the bottom of some rubbish barrel deemed as trash.
One day it will all be gone even this house that I sit in as I write. I can’t believe that a life so beautiful can leave one anxious and able to get any rest in the wee hours of the night. I am going to die one day and so will everybody that I love. There will be no life as I have come to love and know it and I am not sure how to feel about that or even to know what should be right.
There are wars going on in other countries and families with no homes. I know that if I had the power in me to save somebody I would but all I have inside of me for now are these words. I wish I was born into a better life so that I could make a difference. The focus needs to be on caring for the beings that I can and making sure their stay here on Earth has actually made a world of difference.
Out of context we can lose the meaning of life in a blink of an eye. We can feel it in the love of the stranger, and we can feel it every time we comfort somebody who starts to cry. That where we are going although painful and makes no damn sense should not be feared. If we knew what was out their waiting for us maybe none of us would stick around to endure all this pain. Who knows what will happen to us in the end and if this was all a game.