I think it was said best when it was proclaimed that the world was a vampire content on breaking our hearts and sucking out our brains.

In life why do we have to pay for any human experience that will alter how we feel about ourselves and make it so that we never feel the same. We weren’t designed to get our rocks off and return to the stars we were sent down here with work that needed to be completed, to never work with our hearts and only use our brains.

Simply speaking the necessities of life should have been obtainable by all, not most, not only a few but many. Why does it take a whole lifetime for some to figure out and even try to explain. I guess I live a too sheltered life, too scared of what I might find and see. If you lived the life that I lived you would be thinking oh woah poor me but not really. My life is simple by most standards without too much too care about in this world. I am thankful for my son who has become my greatest purpose as a move towards a life that is more all encompassing to me. All I want is for him to live the greatest life that is possible all while I teach him how to reach for those dreams and not be too scared to try.

When I was younger I remembering always wanting a family so how can I get made at the Universe for making my life end up this way. Isn’t this what I wanted? A house full of life and sometimes love, what did I actually think was waiting for me on the other side? I don’t want to be mad at the Universe at the gifts that she deemed me worthy enough to have bestowed onto me that I need to learn to relax a little bit and realize that truly life may not be that bad. Depends on who you ask and if they can survive a life devoid of intimacy. I mean the last 6 years have driven me a little more crazier in only the way the absence of love truly can have.

When I begin to focus on all the things I do not have of course I begin to feel sad. I fear my Dad will pass away without one last hug but what does it matter with all the years between us that have fallen away. It must be at least 20 plus years now since I have had any sort of relationship with my Dad. I know what most of you are thinking of it gives me an excuse to live my life promiscuous and always being mad. The way I see it is my Dad that is missing out. If it is drama that has gotten in the way between us I pray that one day he will be blessed in time to figure it all out.

Even my sisters I have no relationship with so all signs point to it had to be me. Of course it would have to be my fault in some angles wouldn’t you tend to have to agree? I was angry for the abuse I was forced to endure as such a small child. I wish I was able to grow into being a teen girl but what I ended up becoming was somebody who held a lot of anguish inside by most other accounts most people feared.

I would always tell it as it was with no holding. Why fear the reaper when in the end there is no possibility of ever going back. To think that we only live once and all we have is this shot. You think it would make us all want to live a little bit better instead of leaving each other alone in the dark.

I fear we are all becoming the same as we try to be more encompassing of the lives that have passed through us before. There is a leech on humanity that comes when we all begin to think the same way. We are facing an identity crisis that forces the narrow minded thinking of some onto the masses who make them feel more than a little bit deranged. I can’t imagine living this way. At times I feel that I may have been to blame.

Hello Universe. Before you begin to suck the last remnants out of my life let me explain. I never meant to be so obnoxious in my pursuit of happiness or that any other being other than myself would be the one to blame. I release myself to your control as you know in the end where it is that I am to go and what is that I am to do. Without your guidance through this realm into the next I think I very well could lose my damn mind. I think that is the problem when we all begin to fail to see what is happening right in front of our eyes.

I will call you out on your bullsh*t because once that moment is over there is nothing else that can be done. Why serve a dish cold when you can give it to your recipients nice and piping hot. Don’t give those a chance to come up with a story and try to defeat you, know that you are perfect in the creator’s eyes. To sit here and swear at the life that you have been given is almost the exact same as slapping your mother right across the face. Yes sure some of you would love the chance to dig into the one who gave you life but not all. Some of us value the time line that we find ourselves on even though it seems for he most part we are spinning out of control.