What if the Universe heard our cries and was trying to give us her blessing but we have become too obnoxious to even her citing her good intentions just get in the way.
I am trying to accept the fact that this is my life partner. That maybe one day he will look at me with love instead of all this hate. The fighting has stopped over the last couple weeks but that is because he has hurt me far too much and I have begun that pull away.
The yelling, the anger, the name calling, the hurt I deserve somebody better than a being who is content in always keeping me in the dirt. My goal is to live civil and to be a better human in the eyes of my son. I have relinquished all arms because this is a battle that can never be won.
I just have no desire to entertain a being who is, so hell bound and determined to slander any being’s good name. Nobody is off limits when the evil inside of him rises up to have his say. My newest nickname is just you F*ck. No need for colorful embellishments when you can get your point across easiest with one word.
With my nose turned down I hope that I can find a way to make this all work. One day with my head in the clouds before I keep my feet moving one after the other getting away from all this hurt. It’s not lost on me what had to be sacrificed in order for me to get here. I think that is where most live so confused because they don’t see the end in sight, and they have no idea how to even get here.
Confidence is great isn’t it but what happens when it pours over like a toxic acid disintegrating anything and anybody that gets in the way because only one in the Universe deserves to shine. No room for more when it comes to this score just those who are privy to it living out their bestest days. The idea here is that no being should be offended if you are living authentically but even, I can acknowledge how ridiculous that an seem.
Who is it we are trying to impress the most? Ourselves or an invincible entity? Showing up every day for no reason just so the world can share our pain and see our faces. I fear that too. Pouring our heart and soul out to the world just so they can laugh at us and eventually go away. Don’t they all just eventually leave one day with very little say from you or me?
I have been focused on wealth these days and the perceived perception of most. To me wealth is all the things that the world can’t take away like all the goodness inside of my family. How much I love every being in this house and how they all have their own way of showing how much that they love me. It doesn’t matter what I wear or how I decide to paint my face they all look at me with love and I know I found the right place to rest and stay. At least my animals remind me the importance of being gracious and appreciative that we get to raise our heads and live another day.
Life was never meant to be perfect just measured in moments that were designed to take our breaths away. To remind us of why it feels good to be human and why we should be more loving and considerate to all beings that come alive today. Why would we want to be any different? What would be the value of hurting people in anyway? Is there a power that we receive when engaging in acts that are deemed deplorable or does the Universe even out in the end one day?
That is my biggest fear, I think. Is there a record somewhere in the sky that records everything that we do down here? Is that what is meant when we talk about judgement day because there has to be a way to begin to decipher from all of that. If where we are going is infinite, you would have to imagine a space that would be like minded for the divine. How can you make pure entities reside with something for eternity that have only been capable of engaging in activities that are deemed bad? You can’t can you? How would that even seem fair. To be forced to spend your exiled days with entities that are below you and while were human engaged in activities that proved how much they didn’t care.
We are a cruel culture, aren’t we? Killing off anything that is perceived different in our enemies we strive towards an identity that is in fact one and the same. We don’t want anybody to appear to be different because that would upset the balance that we have established since that day. That day when we decided a hierarchy of where humans would fall into the human race. There was a time when we decided somehow that we weren’t all created equal, and some beings would have to find themselves at the end of the line.
This hierarchy I have no idea how it was even established other than first come first served and the opportunists who always first had their say. Somewhere in time somebody had an inkling of the direction in which the world was going, and they just had to capitalize on it so that they could win that day. You have to dissect every moment in time to fully understand what has happened and records were destroyed so you could never know the truth not even today. How can we know the secrets that others have worked so hard to cover up? I will always maintain that the Earth is eviler then good and we as humans may have lost this race and just may, in the end, never measure up.