It’s here. We are all here waiting for the day when death will intervene and take away all the joy and life as we have come to understand and know it. Through no fault of our own our lives will be over devoid of the passion that kept us awake long into the night never to be seen or heard from again and we aren’t even privy to know or understand why.

That fear keeps me paralyzed too scared to reach forward but even I know I have to try because of my son. My lifeline. I can’t imagine what happens to the hearts of the mothers who have had to lose a child before losing their own life. That pain I try to imagine but it’s a feeling that I fully can’t acknowledge so I let the pain move on through.

I have let my emotional wounds define me and prevent me from seeing anything outside of what my instincts and intuitions actually feel. I know what I lost to get to this moment, and it makes me sick. To think that the man who caused my pain is no longer living or breathing on this Earth, yet his chains still confine me? How is that possible? How can that even be? How do I free myself from those emotions that insist on haunting me and when in this lifetime can I actually feel free?

Isn’t that bizarre? That somebody who has been out of your life for almost three decades still has that kind of power of me? Why? Does that mean they now own a piece of my soul because of the scarlet letter A they left on it?

I amount it to anything in this life that causes one turmoil. I frequently think about how I have lost my father over these last twenty years. There is no going back to make memories that were never destined to come. That hurts more than anything. The first man I ever loved threw me away like garbage and never looked back.

It’s like once he got a divorce from my mom, he hates us all. He couldn’t light that match fast enough and set us all ablaze. None of us survived after that carnage and that piece of my heart will always be gone. It tears at my insides because if I believe that there is somewhere to go after this where do I go? Where do I belong? Who am I connected to now that everybody that I used to love is gone? This is absolutely insanity that any being has to feel this way, but we all do. We are all built to withstand a great amount of heartbreak and pain.

I don’t want to be connected to a million different entities when all I want to do is find me. I lost that little girl that day she was knocked out and her baby was taken out. She ran so far into the light that I fear that I can never get her back. A piece of my soul died when I lost her, and I don’t even know how or where to begin to even explain.

My solution? Live a somewhat honourable life and raise the most amazing life. If I couldn’t get it right in my life maybe, he has a chance of getting it right in his. That’s the hope and that is what makes me get up and try. Every damn day. Through all the sneers, jeers and laughter I show up with a half-broken heart made only complete through the smiles of my son. What more could a woman want right.

Time seems to be the common enemy for all of us that is constantly nipping at our heels making us trip all over our feet. If it wasn`t for the end looming in the horizon I think there would be more fear in every street, but we remain complacent in the hopes that things as we know it may suddenly begin to change. Don`t we all agree that something is a little bit strange here that something more is a little bit amiss. Why would so many of us be content in living so broken instead of trying to light up the night sky and just be.

My thoughts rarely make sense these days because there is so many of them going on in my mind. I know I need to be thankful for the life that I have been given but there is just so much going on inside. I have no idea why it is that I have to live this way or why any of us or content in never being able to have our say. There is too much whining going on with very little change. I wonder what we would do differently if we were guaranteed to keep on living another day. For some of us that day is no longer coming because of a poor decision we may have made. Maybe it is our time that is forthcoming and life as we know has just gotten in the way.

In another reality we may have had a chance of being somebody else but in this moment, we forget that there is still time to change our own perception and be brave enough to shine for the whole world to see. I know it seems vain to think that an attempt of living so outwardly would even make sense. I never thought I life of wealth and fortune was on the horizon for me, but I guess that is how you interpret wealth.

Wealth as I know it comes in so many forms and shapes all rolled into one. They are made of fur, feather and even skin and have made me believe in myself in the way that world has troubles having me see. It is a great feeling to know that one is appreciated after a lifetime of feeling why does all this bad stuff keep happening to me. It is in their love that I find happiness in knowing who I am, but I fear that all this can all be taken away from like only the Universe will and can.