A Life Filled With Hate

This man hates me in every possible way. He has made up these scenarios in his head to justify why he is consistently allowed to come unglued and be rude. Every get tired of being called a stupid F*ck in front of their 5 year old? Me too Darlings me too.

I am still reeling from the night before. A meticulous plan to make it so I can never go out. Would you believe I got asked out to hang out? Ya I did but there I was sitting at the kitchen table listening to all the things that make me a loser. I had to listen to him tell my son that the reason why you don’t see your Aunts, my sisters, is because everybody who meets me in my life hates. Your mother is a person that is that bad.

Nobody likes your mother, she is that kind of evil, her own father doesn’t want to know her after all these years. Then he took his hand and shook up all my crystals in my altar window which would seem minisculr too most but not too me. I told him that the window was my sacred space with the ashes of my Grandmother’s and of course my other pets that are no longer and have decided to move.

Everything he says is golden and everything that I say is wrong. If I breathe the wrong way it’s always why are you belittling me and stop talking to me. It seems like he is the only one who is allowed to speak how he feels.

Imagine a life with every day filled with insults with more than one F bomb being trickled in. I long for a day where I could feel loved because I feel more than hollow in the inside. Being disrespected for everything that I am see and do is getting out of control and it is more than I can handle.

I don’t want to be around anybody who doesn’t like me. My two sisters and dad included. I opened up my home to my sister when she was going through a divorce then she cuts me off for reasons that seeing me married makes her jealous and hurt. The same can be said for my older sister whom has been wishing me dead ever since I stepped outside of the room.  So there it is being hated for even breathing, not like I had a choice when I entered this world.

It’s hard for me to find any happiness when I am being treated consistently this way. He has taken up a permanent residence inside of my head and all I want to do is find a way to get away but I am.too scared. I think that is why he likes to remind me I have nothing so he can always have the upper hand in this so called world.

What are my options now that I have put myself in this position after relinquishing all control once I said I do? I feel trapped and unsure what to do made even more complicated now that my son is in school. I don’t want to disrupt his progress so that leaves me with my hands being tied. All I know is this husband hates me more than anything and it has become more than obvious everytime this man opens his mouth.

To the outside world I may appear to be incredibly irrational but that is because I have been through so much as the world stood around to watch me bleed. I was being hurt, disregarded and thrown out like trash but I tried to get my wits about me. That is hard to do in this seemingly cold world.

I can’t even go in the kitchen anymore without feeling incredibly uneasy and sick to my stomach. The direct violation of something that was so important to me is something that I can no longer ignore. I was using my crystals and my Wiccan belief and faith to help me grasp onto something in this world. I know it seems ridiculous to some but it was the repeated positive affirmations and the beauty of the crystals that had began to relax my heart and begin to work. When the husband desecrated their sacred crystal grid positioning I knew that he would never have my best interests at heart.

I can’t continue on like this for much longer. It feels weird to have to keep on pretending that life can get better one day. Not here. Not like this. So will I ever have the courage to get off my fat lazy *ss to do something? My husband’s words not mine. That is how he chooses to define me after gifting him a beautiful son to have and enjoy in this cold world.

Will I ever have a good night’s sleep again? Will I ever have a day that is filled with smiles and all of this abuse. I know what he is doing is designed to make me feel weak and keep feeling like I am the one that is crazy wondering what I did in this lifetime to deserve all this hurt. I can’t remember how it feels to not have to live this way. Is this life better than the solo life I lived at 37? I think the verdict is still out on that.

My heart is telling me to run but my head needs to plan it out first and that is where I always tend to get caught. There are too many animals to walk away from this. The husband doesn’t have a clue or passion to give them unending love and care. He has never faked an interest before so why now? There is nothing that this man can say anymore that I will take as fact or ever believe.

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