It’s coming. The day we all fear. We are one day closer than yesterday. I hate to feel this way but it’s true. There is no way denying the inevitable which forces us to think if we would have knew that it was all going to end would we even want to start it all anyways.
I remember saying to my mom once that if I had been given the choice, I am not sure I would want to be born. The idea that all I have come to know would one day get ripped away from no fault of my own was more than I could bare. That there could be a time in space where my mom would no longer be my mom and all my hopes and dreams just turn into thin air.
It makes me sad to learn that there are those that would rather shun their first born then try to give them a hand. Last night as we were drifting off to sleep my 5-year-old grabbed my hand. He told me that I was going to be his best friend, always. I couldn’t help but let the tears fall down my face.
I have to acknowledge that this is going to hurt. That day in time when all I have come to know and love is forced to come to an end. I can’t fixate on that time even though I know it’s coming. I just hugged my boy and let him know how much I love him. It’s all that I can do this time.
When I think about who he is going to be I can’t help but think the Universe had gotten this one right. The perfect blend of me and my husband to give us a little boy who would keep us awake almost every night. His personality is one that is always going to shine. Like a beautiful gift straight from the heavens I can’t believe that this little boy is all mine.
My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to live out my days with him. That one of us will leave to fast and we will be forced to walk this Earth once again alone. I did it for 37 years and it wasn’t so bad but that is because I had no idea that life didn’t have to feel that bad.
Through all the dirty diapers, the kicks and screams I am still honoured to be his mom that it makes me sick to my stomach knowing we are one day closer to that day that will forever rip us apart. I can’t help but think of my mom and how she would have felt when I was this young. It makes me want to run to her as fast as I can and throw my arms around her and never leave.
What I know for sure is that what makes life great is something that would have been accessible from all. It would be the same thing that was privy to us from the Roman Empire Fall. We would rather fight and kill then live to survive. Why is it so important to have the most of everything that we can’t take away with us when we leave? I, for one, am having trouble understanding that. I used to be swayed by baubles and shiny things but then I realized that there is a need and desire from every single being. What makes my desires and wants more important than anybody else’s? I think this is why in the end I decided to stand my ground firmly then walk away.
I tend to not ask for anything because the reality is that I have everything that a realistic being could possibly want. I have the happiness and health of my family that lives with me. That includes everything with fur, feather and skin that the rest of the world would prefer if they left. My abandoned little crew of misfits that humans that they had crossed paths would have preferred if they had not. So many of my rescues were returned more than once and that was a fact that was never lost on me over all of these years.
I knew what it felt like to be cast aside. To have those fingers pointed at you as all the trolls come out to play. I have been called old, fat and ugly for a good part of the last 5 years, almost the same amount of time that I arrived out on the Pin-Up scene. Don’t believe what they tell you. Not all groups are as welcoming as they want you to believe. If you don’t fit into their certain box, then just wait to what they will say about you before you even turn around and leave. I don’t need to profit off of anybody, I am happy for all that I got. What is most valuable to me is something that only time can take away and I am more than aware of all that.
I can’t stop the love that I feel for that little boy as I work towards pefecting all that I am. I know that one day I will be called to a different plane and have to leave so I have a lot of work that needs to get done before I finally reach that day. Now that he is here it somehow has to become all about him. He is the most vulnerable in my eyes as his heart as never been jaded and his emotions have never made him feel weak.
He is still trying to get his bearing to this crazy reality we call life. All I want is the best for him, all things considering, with very little strife. I didn’t know how life could feel once you had a piece of your heart beating outside of your chest. I swear I will always want to love and protect until that day is decided that I will be taking my last breath.