Merry meet, and merry part, and merry meet again. Blessed be.
No truer words have ever been spoken or invoked such a deep feeling inside of me. My source of such love and infinite pride comes to me in the very being that is my son. I used to have so many wants now my biggest concern is who I am in the eyes of my son. There is no better feeling in the world then knowing I get to be his mom.
It took three days for us to meet. I mean how could we in the way he chose to come kicking and screaming into this world. My little bean just under 3 pounds kept under heat lamps so that the doctors could wait and see. Those milestones he needed to hit seemed like the most impossible tasks in the world but he did them with no problems and it took him only a month until he was coming home with me.
There are just no words to explain all that he means to me and unless you have been a mother it maybe even impossible for anybody else to fathom or even understand. That special magic that happens between a mother and her first born son brings the most power into a blanketed, sleeping world.
My biggest fear is that I know it will be impossible for me to love him forever. I know that life will happen and it’s the finality of death I fear. Without fully knowing where we are going I can’t help but feel the tears escape my eyes. All I want is the life that I was promised so that I can be forgiven in order for my son to thrive. I would give up everything just to see him be happy in every possible way in life before he dies.
There are no promises and no guarantees in life and it makes me sad at times and I don’t know why. I know there is nothing I can do and at times everything is spinning out of control and all I can do is be happy before that final goodbye. I think that is what is getting to me, all the things that are entirely out of my control.
Who I am. Who I was born to be is something I could never control. My family and those I thought would always love me have faded by the wayside I thought you should know. It’s not that they passed on, they just didn’t appreciate my presence on their timeline so like the collateral damage I was born to be I was thrown away like garbage and made to pack up and go.
As these words were written a story came on that I seen before. The horror of what a mother can do to their child. A child who knows nothing other than the love he holds for you in this world. With cameras rolling she grabbed her venomous sac of salt and force fed it into her son. His vitals spiked as he was air lifted for help only to never be part of this world again. His mother did that. She took him away. She stunted his growth and development all so she could receive love and support from strangers across the world she did not know. Check out the latest on their story here ( https://www.hitc.com/en-gb/2022/09/14/the-case-of-garnett-spears-explained-as-videos-go-viral-on-tiktok/?amp=1).
In my mind and heart there is nothing that compares to being a mom and it makes me sick what she decided was her right to do. Watching his final seizure after knowing that it was his mom will break your heart. He was cuddled up beside her just moments before that final moment. Do you know what his crime was? He was condoned for being too healthy. The doctors were just in the room to discharge him that day. How awful is that and to have it all caught on camera to boot.
I just think for the most part we are losing the very essence of what it means to come alive. I think we needs to look towards nature and the way the other Earth inhabitants live to see where we are going wrong. They are the only entities that haven’t been corrupted by human thinking. Animals, plants, energy, life, and death is truly all that we need to survive. Well duh without life who would we be? How about a bunch of walking drone, zombies succumbing to the all mighty dollar because it is society who forces as to do all that we can and not in a good way. Think about it. Is competition healthy? Or is it achieving our dreams that makes us feel alive?
What I know for certain is I am in love with the energy that I am able to create and if I have a chance of sustaining that feeling than it is in my best interest to become all that I can. It is ok to want more out of life because isn’t that the reason why we find ourselves here? To try to live a life different than just existing is something hard for some of us to wrap our heads around. I am content with the happiness of my family even though I know that one day there will be a time when they will be able to come around. I truly have to find a way to let go of that weight so I can appreciate the here and now instead of living with so much angst in my head.
I am just thankful for the opportunity to be a part of such a special bond and love that I am terrified of the day that it might get taken away. I feel that if somehow, I just live a mediocre existence instead of asking for too much than it would somehow tip the scales in my favour even though I know it doesn’t work that way.