Damaged Goods

The truth hurts doesn’t it? But only when we try to set it free. Maybe it means we have to admit something to ourselves or maybe we have to be verbal with it so that others will go away. Whatever it is that keeps us awake is the same thing that will always remember our name.

There should be some sort of regard for how we feel on the inside, shouldn’t there be? Why do we need to feel constant ridicule or even shame? I have always desired to be loved and accepted by everybody but my demeanor made it so I could never feel that way. I always had my guard up to what others could do or could want to do in the middle of the night.

Why would my thoughts stray that way? It’s because there was a time when I only came alive at night. I would work all day, sometimes 2 or 3 jobs so in the average being’s eyes I was nothing but a waste. I tried to work the 9 to 5 job but it wasn’t for me. The idea that I was working so hard just to make other people look good didn’t sit too well with me. I was beyond depressed and had no idea who I was and I was medicated to the hilt just so that I could stay awake.

Hence my hesitation with psychiatrist and people in control of our mind. They want to pickle our abilities so we no longer have any control. I was on pills to put me to sleep, to wake me up, to level me off and to give me more energy all through this time my weight skyrocketed and blue. I was HUGE. Imagine treating depression this way. I was going to the gym twice a week. It was during my bodybuilding heyday I had no time to be weak.

I think the problem with living a lie is that it in turn will waste away our lives. Through no fault of our own we start second guessing ourselves. What if I was better would I be worthy of a better life? Is there anything I can do to make this living thing feel alright? I live in a time where acceptance means EVERYTHING. How many followers did you get while you were asleep or did the trolls come out and desecrate you?

There was a time when I believe that the truth would set you free but the problem with the truth is that you need other people to believe. I feel we live in a time where we believe the person that gets to us first then we turn our nose down on all others like they were rising up from the dirt. What other people are capable of doing when you aren’t around is the very same reason why I prefer to stay at home. You can’t say nothing about me if I was never there. It’s not that I don’t want to go places I just have to put myself in a situation where I don’t care.

I think for me when I know that somebody has been caught in a lie I keep them further then arms length and I don’t have any idea as of why. I guess I have an idea because they could so easily lie to me. I listen to the words they speak when they believe they have found themselves in safe company. I would say good but that’s not the case when you find yourself surrounded by others all trying to save face. To get the heat off of them they all start pointing the fingers elsewhere. Did you see so and so she did such and such with so and and so instead of trying to direct the conversation in an appropriate way.

I hate gossip where others thrive on it. I don’t let the words escape my lips unless I know for sure of their origin and if they contained the truth. I have no need to say words that are somewhat confusing, I will always believe that the truth will set you free. The truth is all that we have to remember when all the lies around you are coming for you and me. We all just want to believe that there is good somewhere no matter how we feel about each. There are those that I knew I should have cut off long ago but some things are impossible you obviously already know.

I get stuck around the truth. I believe that there should be enough good for all of us to go around. Why do some get these beautiful lives with not doing anything more than just getting born where others have to endure this miserable painful life. Not because they did anything other than exist. That is the thoughts my mind just can’t resist. Why am I here and not somewhere else? How is it that I find myself to be this way? Was it me that made it so my family hates me or is it because I am a product of circumstances that just will never go away?

My truth can always be used to hurt me so that is why I always keep others at bay. I don’t need to know why other people don’t want me around or want to hurt me I just try to understand their point of view and allow them to have their say. Once I know their true intentions and what their plan is for me then it becomes easier to want to close that door behind me and throw away the key. In life we weren’t promised anybody. That includes family. Mothers, brothers, fathers, cousins can all turn on you. Maybe it is the abuse that you endured that keeps them all away. All I know is when one gets constantly thrown away after they have been damaged there are pieces that can never be found and that person will never be the same.

Check out my Color Street Journey Here: https://youtu.be/Ff01JoswbCU

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