There is something incredibly bittersweet and painful when it comes to living our lives. Doesn’t it? Sooner or later it’s over and everything we lived for comes crashing down.
I am so scared of death and dying that I am becoming somewhat of a recluse and forgetting how to live. My joy comes from all the living things around me that have come to me to find a safe place to live. I can’t help but flicker to when this is all over making me so sick that something somewhere has to go.
Are you scared of death and or dying? I can’t help but over analyze it. What if we return back to nothing and all of this becomes a loss? It makes me sick to think that when it’s over that’s all it is. I know I should be happy it’s happening but it’s the pain that is to come that I can’t live with it.
Life goes on and that’s just it. How long before we forget that this all happened, all the memories…did I even exist. I accept that I will one day have to say goodbye and forget this life that I have lived. I hate that this all one day becomes absolutely nothing no matter how I felt about the love we shared and grew with.
Live in the moment right? Focus on what is right in front of you and don’t worry about anybody else. Way easier said then done isn’t it? I fall into this realm where I just never want to make sense of anything and I hope to myself that what I feel never has a chance of slipping away. I have danced with death and he doesn’t seem as bad as we have made him out to be. He is just the vessel that we picture when we are having trouble making sense of it all right before we drift off to sleep.
The closer one comes to death the more we come to realize how final that day when it comes will see. We can no longer exercise our own free will because that ability to become one with the world has all of a sudden been taken all away. I can’t imagine that day but I know that it is coming. It makes me sad to think all the things that have happened in my life that have made the value of life simply slip away. The prime example in my mind is how I managed to severe the relationship with my dad when it was somebody else’s idea to engage in rape. I think that is why he hates the site of me so much. That and in his mind I will always remind him of my mom.
I am always that picture of the women who severed his heart even though I was the furthest from ever being the one. My dad was my rock, my hero at one time and I have been running in place in time since that horrible deed was done. There is something that gets in the way once you become tarnished in the eyes of those you love. They look at you like you are garbage that just needs to go away. That is why I hate all those memes about, “at least your dad liked it” I wish he would like something so that I could see he was born with a heart.
It has been about 5.5 years since I have seen my dad and about 20 plus years since I have had a relationship with the man that I first loved. I never wanted a life where I had to exist without knowing him and now it seems as far as time goes our relationship is over now that all things have been said and done. You can’t correct 20 years now that they have seemingly slipped away. You can’t forget the monsters in time who have tried to make it so that you have come undone.
That’s where becoming a master of oneself helps. Not somebody who benefits off of the failures of others. That mentality I can’t understand. How do we thrive when others fall? Want to go somewhere dark? Let’s go there. Let’s talk about the bombings that have increased since the deal with the Lord of War and Brittney Griner was made. Imagine being that person who was traded for the Lord of War. Your ego must be through the roof knowing that. Where’s the darkness in that? Her freedom came at the cost of Ukrainian lives. How is it that one human being is worth more than all those who are being bombed into oblivion? No offense to Brittney. I am sure she is a great gal but so are those that are no longer privy to seeing the light of day at the hands of war.
I have all these thoughts moving inside of my head that I can’t help but wonder what would happen to me if they got out. Why are my thoughts so controversial? Annoying to some, I have proof. Well to my husband. I think that is the problem between us. I like to bend my thoughts beyond another’s imagination and I think those thoughts might actually come at a cost. They threaten my sanity that is for sure but what good is being sane if nobody believes you?
Full circle. The reason of life and what is the point of living a life if we aren’t even living our truths anyways. Some days I feel like I am just watching the ticking tock too scared to move but I know if I don’t my life will evade me. I know that day is coming and I am too scared to let go. Not everyday but enough of them anyways make it seem almost impossible to let go and appreciate the time slipping by.