What’s In a Name

In a world that is increasingly cold and impersonal one has to keep asking oneself is their value in a name?

There truly is no worse feeling. Being the butt end of another person’s venomous rage and your not entirely sure why. I like to believe that nobody deserves to be talked to the way that I am but then I hear his anger come out in all the wrong ways. We tip around on egg shells too scared to even move. I maintain I hate when he is home because I will hear about all the ways I wasted time and did the family wrong.

The biggest piece of contention right now. These supposedly 3 hours that I get to spend alone. What am I doing when I come home and I better start making better use of my time. Nobody ever mentions how one sided raising a family can be. Some will tell you that as long as he is coming home every night you should be happy. There are some couples who prefer the company of alcohol or even another partner but not me I am just trying to mitigate through all the rage.

Do people even have a pet name anymore? I think mine might be you stupid f*ck. I hate all the ways that he speaks down to me that it makes me sad that I have to live this way. I don’t have to live this way, you maybe right but it comes even harder to deal with when you put it all into perspective at the end of the night. And trust me I have thought about this relentlessly. I think that is what makes me try to reach for the stars and live my life a little differently. I can’t believe that this is the life that was made for me.

Of course it all isn’t that bad but it depends on who you ask. I think that is why I have felt sanity when it comes to living with so many cats. All they want is unconditional love and a belly rub or too. I think they make it all easier when I am at a loss of what I should do. I can’t shelter my son forever and as it is I am tired of him seeing me cry. He is too young to take on that responsibility, making up for a grown man mistakes but he tries. I think that is how I know that he is the love of my life. Well my love right now until he grows and wants to acquire his own wife. Or partner. Whomever he may chose to be. He is too young to determine any of that so all we can do is wait and see.

What is in a name? Probably or own sense of self and self worth. The names that others chose to call each other is the very identifier that can push any of us into an early grave. Think about that sinking feeling that comes when you hear about how another truly feels about you. All the alarm bells go off when I hear about how others can speak about each other. At least mine do. There is no way that others are watching their tongue when they allow it to wag as free as the wind with their toxicity being carried to whomever will listen and repeat the tale they have heard.

I wonder what makes others think it is ok to talk to others this way. I get being heated or argumentative but why make it out so another heart breaks. Nobody wants to feel inferior or insignificant, especially in this world. In the land of being socially accepted all we want is for people to like us and I think that is what gets in the way. Imagine carrying on your day doing all the things that you love only to be told and made to believe that you are nothing but a waste. That is how I feel on almost given day and I like to think it is becoming more into a nightmare and less than I can actually take.

I think that is what makes social media almost impossible. You want to be loved but other people don’t even care if you exists. If they care it is because they are jealous and they are just waiting around to watch you fall flat on your face. Even when you aren’t competing life has managed to become all about the competition and if you aren’t careful you can find yourself losing at every race.

If your biggest fear is something you can change can you change it? I mean do you have the courage to live a different way. It isn’t just about me anymore but my mini me and I would do anything to help watch him thrive, including to find a way to shut my mouth up and keep a cleaner house even though my best will never be good enough until I actually go away. I do try but I like to think that my life can be worth more than cleaning up after this man before I die. Wouldn’t it be nice to be the recipient of love? I can’t even tell you what it feels like to be hugged.

The power behind a name will drive the sanest person insane. It is the reason why I tried to hide away the pain. My blue period in my life was an acknowledgement of all the things that have been done. The way friends can turn on each other and try to make another hurt. I couldn’t deal with that pain anymore and I was tired of always feeling lower than dirt. The lies that I heard was enough to keep me away. I knew that there could be real harm in the words that others chose to say.


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