That Was Hard

That was hard. I mean one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. What I thought was going to be a happy, exciting time threw back to a time when I could hardly breathe.

There is a lot of hype going around these days about my son being the only boy in a class of 19. What I saw during my son’s Christmas concert was all these beautiful little girls dressed up to the hilt and then there was my mini me.

I should be thankful for the opportunity that he has had this chance to be a part of a class. I can only imagine what it felt like to be up there, oh wait a second I was already up there. Maybe not directly with him but I know that feeling inside of him that he was feeling. Shy, embarrassment, fear. I recognize these emotions after all of these years.

I was painfully shy in school. So much so it would come across as fear or rage. I didn’t know what to say or do to have people like me and I was holding my breath most times that I would forget how to breathe. I was that awkward kid by all means so it was easy to poke fun of me. What I saw as I was watching his performance that there is a chance that he is going to end up just like me.

How can I stop this from happening. I want him to be better than me. I don’t want him to be called all the names I was in high school. I want him to have the best chance of being happy and free. How do I stop these dominoes from falling and can I help him like nobody helped me. I am scared for all the things that are about to be coming that I know that there is a chance I just might have to sit back and see.

Talk about projection right? Projecting my fear onto an unsuspecting 5 year old. I just want him to be all that he can be. Times are different now. It isn’t as easy to blend into the background hoping that others can’t see. I know I can wait for the years to come and take him but I am a little bit hesitant with waiting to see what will unfold and what all this could possibly mean.

Every fiber of my being is telling me that there is a chance that I change the outcome. Help him develop his social skills that had always evaded me. I have to make an effort to be more personable instead of letting the fear of what others might have to hold over me. This boy is my light and it hurt me to see him struggle in such a way. The reason why it was painfully obvious to me in what was happening is because I also had to find a way to survive on such days.

At first I was little bit embarrassed but then I had to try and understand where he was coming from. The songs that they were singing he didn’t know the words to now I can recognize how he was trying to sing the carols and practice the songs at home. I would be terrified. I still am terrified anytime I get up on stage and try to work the crowd. I am not kidding when I say my knees knock. They did it the same day I won Queen on stage. Those feelings of uneasiness and failure to be accepted never goes away. My approach became something differently because in the end I was just proud that he was able to participate.

Isn’t that what this all becomes about? A fear of never being accepted for the entity that we were born to be and being forced to try to compress into somebody else would be enough for anybody to feel stress never mind a 5 year old little boy. I feel sad because I fear I have done this to him but I believe that it is society that has made it this way.

Every morning I get up and I hope that I am finally accepted but then I struggle to fully understand what being socially accepted actually means. Why do I care if I stranger adores me when it should be those in my immediate vicinity that should bring me pleasure instead of so much pain. I do get scared because I know that I failed coming into who I was born to be and I don’t won’t to set my son up to have to ever feel the same. I think about my past and how I used to have such a huge family now it is just me and my husband as all others have faded away.

In a world so huge you would think it would be easy to just be forgot about all the hurt so that others can have their day. I wish it worked like that. It could never be like that. Not again and in not the ways that we care to remember. I vaguely remember a time when we weren’t so incestual. You would have to wait all day just to hear what happened on the other side of the world. My house would stop to watch the 10 pm news at night. It would be the only way to stay current with what was happening until we were off worrying about our days forgetting about everything we had just heard.

Why do we care so much with what is happening when we are out instead of worrying about the sanity of those we call family and keeping them safe. There is keeping them safe and then there is being overbearing, not letting them get their foot hold in an already crazy world. Perception is in the eyes of the beholder and I think that should be the focus instead of zeroing in on the only things we can see.

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