Instead of being with my family on Christmas I am having a flown blown panic attack. It’s only quarter after 10 and the amount of times I have been told to fuck off and flipped the bird is more than I can bare. This man hates me more than anything and everything in this world that I have no idea how to get away from him without him hurting me more.
I would like to think maybe today will be the day he will be nice to me. Ya right. Even just in passing the words mother f*cker escapes his lips. I have never encountered such a force before that has been so determined to destroy me. I don’t even have a clue what to do anymore the light inside he has long extinguished.
I hide in my critter room because one he can’t find me and two he can’t yell in here. I just like the idea of these lives that always depend on me and in their song I can tell they are happy. All I know for sure is this man hates me. This constant vile that comes out of his mouth has pushed me over the edge. I am dead inside.
There is just something that happens to somebody when they are greeted with so much negativity and hate. Christmas is already hard for me, imagine a husband telling you all the things that you fear. Your family doesn’t care enough to even bother with you anymore that you have no choice but to tag along on your husband’s coat tails? I am sworn at almost every single second of every day and I hate to say it but there is not much more that I can take.
My whole day was reduced to tears and I was even in bed by 4. If I tried to tell my husband how sad I felt he turned it around and told me that it was all about him. That it was me that was the bully and mean to him all the time and he even had the nerve to call me crazy and bi-polar. Once he realized how much it hurt me to have him say that he couldn’t stop saying it and it just killed me on the inside.
I am still crying now and it is 5 in the morning. I can’t stop the tears from falling down my face. I feel hated in this existence with no way out. Nobody cares about the things that are important to me. I am the only one here who cares for the birds and the chinchilla’s. My husband couldn’t help me with them if the house was on fire. He left me with this obligation that makes it so my blood runs cold. This single reason is why I am trapped in this house. If I wasn’t here they would die from not having somebody here to care for them.
I have no idea what I am going to do when he is awake. Where can I hide in this house where he wouldn’t look for me? I have no energy inside my body left to deal with him and I don’t need to hear it anymore how he thinks all this abuse is me.
I know I am different but I am more compassionate and an empath then anything psychotic that he can ever dream up. I like to keep to myself and not bug anybody, I am tired of being rejected so I don’t even try anymore. I think that is what hurts the must. Instead of getting a hug I get told I am f*cked up and that nobody wants anything to do with a person like me. I guess he is right. Everybody in my family hates me how I wish I was brave enough to do what I should have done over all of these years.
My biggest fear is he is going to get my son to turn against me and if that were to happen what would I ever do? My only option is to leave and go to a shelter but I don’t want to take up space for somebody who needs. What did I do in this life to not have anybody love me? I am sorry for whatever I did back then can’t you see? What I did I did because I was too young to understand the ramifications to do something so terrible. I thought as long as there was unconditional love that I could do no wrong. The only thing that I have learned over these years is nothing is guaranteed, nothing and love would always be something that would escape me.
My soul is trapped inside my body wondering how much more we will have to endure before we break. What I know is that I am so broken living with a man that will never give a damn. I am breaking. I can’t pretend that nothing is wrong anymore. All the lies we keep telling people that we are so happy I can no longer do without having tears well up in my eyes.
I think it is obvious when you are hated. You can tell by the energy that comes and fills the room. There is a stillness that comes before all the anger and then all of a sudden you are met with all this rage. Nothing I can do will ever be enough. That is my fear that I live with everyday. Did I decide to do the right things with my “free” time or am I going to get into trouble for what I decided to do for those 3 hours in this house. In my day I have to be accountable or in the end I will be met with his wrath. I know right he is rare to get physical but I can see it is coming in the dark corners of his eyes.