Words are becoming lost on me. What choice do I have but to remove my source from the source of all my pain. What triggers me is the way people act and their behaviour, when will I realize that what people do has no baring or even connection to me.
Those that love me most have found other ways to communicate with me and it is their love that has become the center of my world. The only complication that threatens to overtake me is all that outside noise. How does one quite the voices that threaten to anger and then overtake them so they are unable to manifest into the entity that they were meant to be.
I think that is why so many deities took the form of animal when they returned. They didn’t want to have to communicate with a human other than telepathically. Even deities don’t like all the drama that humans can bring and insist on even being.
What people don’t like about me is I insist on honesty. If we don’t have that between us then I don’t have much more too say. I don’t need my laundry to be aired out by a third party because I air it out all ready. The things that I have done and the things that I have seen serve for a higher purpose and I finally think I understand why my life was meant to be. A series of emotional roller coasters that served for a higher purpose and for you all here to see.
My truth that has been said before but I think we all like to hear it. I like to think that words set you free but all they have become are ghosts that love to haunt me. I had an abortion at 13. Ya I murdered my first born. It’s not like I wanted to but my family insisted on it that it was the right thing to do. She haunts me. She makes me hate myself in so many ways that y’all don’t even know. I thought that if I did such a thing that my dad wouldn’t see me as garbage but I couldn’t prevent the way that he was always going to see me.
She is the reason why I tried so hard. If I was going to sacrifice another life I better make it count so no matter what it happening you better stand up and get the f up. I went to College, got a great job but it all wasn’t for me. I just hated who I had become because of everything and that hatred was all that I could see. So I drank.
It wasn’t until I was 31, no joke, that I took my first line of coke. I was serving two jobs living by myself and I just got dumped by another loser. Looking back at him now I wouldn’t even give him a second glance but there is something that takes over you when you are so depressed you don’t even know what to do. You grasp for anybody that you can hold onto even if they suck. I think that is why I have no true friends to really speak of because who befriends a loser who drunk and addicted who is moving very fast down the hill.
Through it all I just kind of moved because I didn’t want to fail even though it was very obvious that is what was going to happen. The best thing to happen to me was when my boyfriend breached his parole and got sent back to prison it gave me a chance to get up and leave. I am very familiar with the pick up and go and all that frantic energy that can bring. What is happening now in my life is my son so it is very important that I start to do the right things.
Yesterday after all the mental anguish that was wearing my brain down like a plague I cleaned. I somehow read something on the scroll that if you are feeling anxious or depressed clean your house. That clutter and debris just does something to the brain. I am not saying that is what is going on between me and my husband but a clean tidy house would make for a simpler existence don’t you think?
This house is CHAOS. It’s like the time I was high and had an inside out party. You know when you move your living room outside and your patio furniture inside. Ya that was something to wake up to. So much more aggravation when my friend who helped create the mess left to go for brunch and I had to fix things because it was going to rain. My house is like that. Let’s hear it again. 9 cats, 3 dogs, 1 crab, 5 budgies, 2 chinchillas and a canary. Let me tell you something all that life needs somebody to care for them especially the ones locked in the cage. You think they would chose to live in filth, no sir so forgive me if they require a daily clean.
Head shake and butt wiggle that man is going to drive me insane but I clean the litters. BUT NOTHING if you have time to lean you have time to clean please help me out lol you can’t make somebody do something they don’t want to do so it’s about time I learn just to shut my mouth. Why waste the energy no more because it is not like it is going to help. The energy I save in complaining I can use that time to start working on me.
Use less words so there is less words that can be taken out of context these days. I just want to exist in a life with less fighting and I could do with a lot less rage. I know the life I lived to get here so I don’t need words constantly thrown in my face. It would be nice just to live a serene existence with less tit and more tat and a silent acknowledgement of what is.