Before I Go Insane

What the Universe forgets to tell you is you will spend your whole life chasing after the wrong person. They want you to believe that you are only half of a being waiting for somebody to come along and complete you and light a fire under your soul. That mentality seems bizarre to me. Love somebody so much you forget to love yourself that when that being fails to return your affections you are left laying around in the mud.

When I think about life I think about all the things that are the same between us and I think that is the definition we should search for and not let others get so carried away. There does seem to be two rampant energies running a muck. The good and bad. Our ying and yang. There has to be a pull in all directions in order for this lifetime to work. Don’t ask me how or why just know that it is. I don’t know how else to try and make you feel better. There are just secrets in this life that we will never be privy to know.

I am intrigued. I am interested to know what the minds of the first civilized humans was prepared for us to know. There is no denying that throughout time humans thought it was important to try and communicate with the inhabitants of the future. There is no way that all those hieroglyphics and art work was just for show. Those that have left their civilization for us to find were the ones closest to knowing the truths as we in our time march further away. Why is it we insist on trying to control everything that comes out of this world instead of trying to find a way to sit back and enjoy.

History has always intrigued me, hence why I studied it for years in University. Our elderly are look gold mines of wealth and opportunity letting us know that it is possible to live through better days. I hate that once they are gone that their stories die with them too. What else can we hope for when there isn’t too much more that we can do.

I like this idea of living simply and trying to lend out a hand. Only if the person you are helping is appreciative and that their heart is hopeful in ways that only we can understand. It has been a struggle trying to live an honest existence because so many people will always have an open hand. Not heart though. Some people are out for what they can take from you. They will keep on taking from you until you can no longer stand.

There are certain beings that are just waiting for you to fall. They are ready to kick the dirt right on top of you to make sure that this is the last time you will ever get up. All they have ever cared about is their place and social status. They will say anything that is is necessary in order for them to get off. These beings are the ones that tried to shame me and have made it so that I don’t feel comfortable ever leaving the house.

Once you are privy to what some in the world are capable of you tend to draw back into yourself and cut the rest of the world off. Why do we need the constant reminder of how we have failed like that is the only thing in this life that we have ever been good at. Love and acceptance has been beat into me even though it was the first thing in my life that was lost. Nobody wants an abused teenager around them. They cut them off in every which way no matter the cost.

In the 90’s if you were different then you better hold your head down in shame. Until somebody acknowledges you and your existence you better sit yourself down and I will do the same. There was nothing like being in high school in the 90’s. I hated myself so much how I wish I would just die. At least there wasn’t social medial to contend with. I no that I probably never would have survived. There was nothing more that I hated than being hated but that was an emotion for me that would somehow keep me alive.

When people hated me it became fuel for my existence like if only I could be a better human then it would irritate them more. I would try to put myself out there and do anything but there was nothing out there that I was good at and would prove to be solely for me. When it came to bodybuilding I was told I needed steroids and when it came to modeling I was never tall enough. It seemed all I was good at was working my fingers to the bone and I would do that always even when times were getting tough and nobody cared enough about me to even remember my name.

I don’t have friends. Not any in this physical life. There is nobody around me that wants to give me a sincere hug. I have my sister who hugged me two years ago on my birthday but my heart and soul is aching telling me that this will never be enough. I miss human contact and emotion that is beyond my 5 year old’s capacity. It is not that he isn’t good enough it’s just that those feelings are not quiet the same. I guess it will have to be enough to get me through this lifetime even though the emotions in my head are determined and about to make me go insane.

What would you do to get somebody to notice you or do you value your light force ahead of all these games? It’s like I can dilute my worth by getting underneath somebody but I know that that is not what is needed and my heart will never feel the same.


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