I can feel myself draw in, almost like a safety net. I don’t want to bother anyone no more and I don’t care about evening out the score. I know that there will always be those who get off on hurting other people but I for one just want to keep my nose down so that I can get out of this world.
Trying to understand the intricate workings of another human beings is about enough for another life force to go insane. I feel it every time I breathe and move from room to room and it isn’t lost on me that I have no idea what it is that I am to do.
I am angry by nature. Very angry in my heart. I hate all the things that have happened to me and that I was forced to endure all this pain. The deal with the devil I made no longer serves me as I made it to protect somebody I loved who has now thrown me to the wolves.
Everything I tried to do was out of love for my father. When he turned his back on me I become lost inside this world. I was desperate to find any kind of man that would be able to love me but if you talk to anybody who knows me I am far too damaged to ever even entertain.
Accommodation works well at times but all that ends up happening is you end up losing yourself. With nobody left to turn to you remain still and silent inside your house. Except for it is no longer a house is it? It has become a prison with four walls that only you can see.
Why do I write? Because my recluse heart needs to get it out. I am somehow convinced that true love will find its way to me one day. That in order for any type of relationship to ever work I need to be honest and that sometimes looks like a noose dangling around my neck. I am strong in my own ways but weak in so many others. How I wish I was no longer like this and that maybe one day I would be let out to play.
What scares me the most is dying. The thought of it happening consumes me everyday. I don’t know why it scares the life right out of me, maybe it is because once he found my home he had insisted on staying. I look into the eyes of the life that has made there way here and I can’t help but wonder who will be the first one to die. If it is them it is incredibly easy because if it was me they all would be carted off to jail. Not real jail but a shelter all the same. There is no way I can imagine an ending with any other name.
That’s my fear to die alone. To give up your best years to find yourself with nobody even hanging around. That pains me the most knowing the empty promises some people were able to fulfill and now that some are gone they never have to worry about finally honouring that bill. The reality is if you are lucky enough to pass away from old age you are more than likely going to have to go about it all alone. I think it is a rarity to have your family around you as you take your last exhale and finally leave.
Death touches everybody differently but there is no denying it is incredibly hard. I still shed tears over my beloved cat Lucy and it has been a 1 year and half since I have been able to scratch behind her ears as I coo out her name. I remember how she ran from death to hide from him but there was no denying what the vet had done. Why did cancer have to come and ravage her body and take her from me, I should have been able to be her friend for another 10 years.
How is it possible to not feel some sort of hatred to an existence that is hell bound in causing so much pain. If it wasn’t for being so socially awkward I think that I would rather go insane. Does insanity seem like a nice journey? Everybody coddles you and smiles at you and treats you like a child again. They don’t know if you are capable of flipping a switch or being nice so they decide to tip toe around you on egg shells instead.
What hurts the most is I allowed some to get close to me who were out to hurt me instead of helping me. Well maybe it was more about them helping themselves then ever opening their eyes and heart to what beings friends could truly mean and do. There are those that have no problem looking out for number one but I am incapable of doing the same things. I don’t want other people to have to hurt or feel bad that wasn’t how living was supposed to feel.
There are too many people these days and I am not sure where to find myself or even begin to look. I put myself out there to find like minded individuals because I know that it is in finding ourselves that we can finally accept our truths. We are more than just the bodies that we find ourselves in and we can do more to control our overall health. We don’t have to be accommodating to everybody it is ok to leave some things unsaid. Easier said then done right when we all are itching to flap our gums. I think we need to be more aware of our surroundings and who is taking notes instead of putting our noses in the air so high that one day we will choke.