My anxiety has been running at an all time high. Sometimes no matter what it is that I find myself doing all of a sudden I am gripped with nothing else but fear. I get scared that death is coming for me. I suppose in essence he always is but it is the idea that I am not privy to that information when his promise will finally come through.

Imagine. On any given day we have left our own salvation in the hands of somebody else. We instantly trust beings we have never seen before off of the word and promises of acquaintances we have just met. Its human beings that are capable of the most awful activities. You can see it in their faces any time they hope that this is the time they will finally get off. Sex becomes the only activity that we care to be engaging in leaving the rest of the world hoping and wondering just how they might finally get off.

Those thoughts consume me. I am not sure how to get them to go anywhere else but live inside my head. How can one forget that death is coming and he is coming straight for me. What will my loved ones be doing when life has decided that I can’t return to this house.

I try to be thankful for the life that has been given to me. Don’t take things for granted that another person would cherish. Where one person becomes enraged with their family another being has no family to speak of so they end up forced to live in their own kind of hell.

Am I too concerned about what other beings are doing and is that the energy that continuously drags me down? I know there was a time when all of this was all too consuming but now I truly do desire to lend a hand so that I can in turn end up helping somebody else. I can’t buy into this idea of succumbing to an entity that is not even me. Why would I want to bow down and allow another being to torture me? I know what it feels like to be restrained against my will. I have had cigarettes put out on me, bite marks on my body as proof that he tried to torture me all of these things he did to me so that he could have his thrill. I find it hard to believe that there are those that trivialize this type of behaviour when I spent a year and a half trying to survive this type of hell.

Why do we want to mimic this behaviour? No good has ever come from beings who exert their weight onto somebody else. I lived in fear too scared too reach out and confide in somebody. I already knew in my hearts what those who already had been judging me would say. I think it is herd mentality that has the mob looking for the most weak. There is something to be said for getting a reaction that fuels their hatred and makes it so that they want to feed.

Why aren’t we allowed to know the answers and why are there so many people who enjoy playing this game? I don’t like what we are capable of doing too each other. How it is so easy for some of us to turn our heads and forget each others names. There are those that shrug off piss poor behaviour because they believe that they are worthy of obtaining all of their dreams. They don’t care who they hurt to obtain what they have been working so hard for. Why worry about others when all you are trying to do is even out the score.

At least that is how I feel. Why am I here and what is my purpose. I can’t be just some sort of dumpster for other beings to just get off. Why would I allow others to hurt and degrade me feeding into that energy that insists on hurting others at all costs. Even if it is just role playing. Why do we want to validate these beings who feel it is their god given right to hurt others? All I know for me is acting out this type of abuse is tipping the scales in a direction that we truly don’t need.

I guess that means there are two types of people in the world. Well I suppose there are far more than two but for this example we only need two. There are those that have endure physical and sexual abuse and then there are those that have zero idea of how it is in that moment they are supposed to feel. There is nothing freeing about being tied up. In fact that is the scariest feeling I have ever had to survive. Being immobilized with another beings weight being forced down upon me is a feeling I wouldn’t even wish on my enemy for having to feel. What some do just so they can benefit from immediate gratification and satisfaction has to be one of the greatest evils brought down onto the world.

What makes somebody primitive would be the opposite of what makes one educated. Obviously. You have to look at what another likes to spend their time being distracted with before you can shun their existence and purpose. Not everything that is being done in this world will have to make sense. It makes sense to the one that is engaging in that activity and that should be enough for us to believe that it is heaven sent. As long as it isn’t painful and doesn’t prevent another being in how to be. Living should be somewhat easy, it is those who are incapable of understanding that make it so hard. What difference does it make to some if I end up being the person I was born to be because we only get this one chance to live inside this world.