There are certain things in life we are forbidden to talk about because the pain that it emits cuts deep but there are also others things that should be spoken about because you can see how the stories, although forbidden intertwine.
You can make yourself go crazy and in my case it makes you a lil bit sick. For some moments I am thankful and then there are other moments where I don’t feel so fine. I made a very conscious decision back then that started decades ago before father time.
I remember what it felt like to be lost in a love so forbidden that my angels had no choice but to come in and interject their opinion. I am telling you that is the only thing that saved me because there wash flashes of where I was going if I gave in.
What made it all ignite though right in front of my eyes was a moment that we escaped away together and I was so blinded that I didn’t see all the signs. Once we touched I got lost in something that I knew I couldn’t even survive. I mean I could probably if I wanted to but in this instance I felt electrified so I gave in.
I am lucky that he had a enough common sense to break away to get a rubber. It was then that I got my wits about me and my clothes back on and in all essence I ruined the moment. I had kindof a boyfriend in prison anyways so I wanted to stay loyal to him. Then his phone rang and he had to get his “brother” and I sister’s so unique name she would tie this whole story all together. But she wouldn’t become a familiar face in my daydreams until a long time, decades later.
From that moment I knew I had to stay away and fate stepped right in. There was stolen moments where we found a short time to be together but that was so he could drop me off at home after work and give me a half gram. Then he would be off to work into the wee hours of the night. That night that I told you from above is a night that I worked a “shift” with him and let me tell you there are always dull moments in the night that can get you into trouble.
Also I failed to mention the boyfriend I had who was already incarcerated. I know what a loser right but let me tell you at 30 doing what I was doing I was a big loser too. Shoe fits and in my case I wore mine with pride. During that time when I was visiting him 4 days a week on the inside I was daydreaming about another drug dealer on the outside.
We texted ALL the time and waited for the perfect time to try and reconnect but for us almost tragically my angels intervened and made an event happen that nobody in the general vicinity could ever forget. At a time when he needed me the most I turned on him but I didn’t even see it coming. I was talking to my ex on the inside and he was telling me that something was about to go down and he needed me to stay on the phone with him until lights out. So I did.
That’s when the phone calls started from the one on the outside see he was on his way to see me and he got t-boned. He wanted me to come and pick him up so he didn’t have to be alone but I left him on read and I regret that. Who he called to pick him up was his cousin and they were en route to do something TERRIBLE. When I say that I wasn’t there when he needed me I am telling you I can really feel it.
He wasn’t just a witness he became a willing participant. I couldn’t really get an honest answer out of him out of it because he because in a drug induced coma because of it. The interjection was the angels making me keep missing his calls. By the time that I finally got back to returning them he was already balls deep in it all.
The falling out happened when he was going through a low period in his time and he asked me if I could ever be with somebody like him and I looked him right in the eyes and said I could never be with a low life drug dealer (this was before I had any knowledge that he just upgraded to murderer).
My ex, the incarcerated one got let out right after. We tried living together after he was let out of the halfway house but it was kind of hard on him when he was trying to bang everything that moved. That hurt a lot. Like a knife wound right to the heart. Here I was trying to ignore the pull I had towards somebody and this is how I got paid back.
I reached out. Who wouldn’t. He has been in my head for years. He said he was happy to hear from me again but I could tell just how in the messages everything had changed. I think that is what drove me to want to do blow so bad so I can buy off of him and at least see his face. I never felt that way when our hands touched in that moment with anybody I have met in this day.
Don’t get me wrong my blessings is in my family that the Universe has decided to give me. I think that is why it hurts so much when I feel like my husband hates me when I feel like I gave up something to be here with them today. There is more to the story like there always usually is but I am still a wife and a mother so I better zoom off and get to cleaning and less daydreaming.