I feel baited. At the end of every night I need to sleep with one eye open or fear that I could possibly end up with a knife sticking out of my back.
At first it takes you off guard when it is happening especially when you are someone who is extremely sensitive like me. Then you stop altogether and wonder if maybe they are right and it is me that is difficult. I am the one that is hard to manage and irrational and I am all the bad things. Then I watch the latest documentary on Gabby Pettito and EVEN she said similar things.
We shouldn’t have to live in fear that we are irritating or aggravating to somebody else. See the beauty about this thing that we call living is that there are about 7 billion people out there who can compliment us instead of forcing something that is broken into something that it was never meant to be.
That constant rub or irritation is enough to get on anybody’s nerves. It’s the same thing if something was irritating something in nature there is only so much things can take before the damn breaks or snaps if you will. One single hair can do a lot of damage if it was working continuously and tirelessly in the same place.
So it takes two to tango so why the hell do you keep complaining about this. It is hard to explain. It is hard to wish that something will change even though you know in your heart there is no chances of that happening. Imagine being told to only speak if what you are saying adds value to my life. Imagine getting lectured when you finally have the courage to speak that you never sit there and listen to what the other party has to say. I was kind off taken aback by the words that were being said. Is this my fault or is fault or is this something that is happening inside of my head.
I wonder for a minute if I am going crazy and if I should just leave this life and be gone but then I get curious to find out the answers so I just put my head down and and try to ignore. I asked my mom how she survived a relationship that is proving to be similar that she had with my dad. She said what I knew all along and that is sometimes it is just best to smile and nod.
It depends on what you want out of life and what you are getting in this moment. The only thing that I worry is that I know that I am a constant irritant and I don’t know how to stop being this way. I am highly jazzed and overly emotion and I am irritating even at the best of times. The idea that I may never have I another being to pour my heart out to and lay next too makes me just want to throw the towel in and die
You know what else I hate? Tell me what you did with your time while he was at school like I was a mis managed little brat. I always feel like my best is never good enough and when I obtain my best I end up being misunderstood and weird. I hate telling somebody what I hope to achieve out of this life only to be met with laughter, whispers and jeers.
I though those we kept closest were to sing our best praises. We are stuck in such a routine where we easily irritate each other and therefore everybody that it is no longer appropriate for us to keep on living our years. Not that both of us should die but that we should separate and be gone. I don’t think either party should have to live with the weight that we have been so comfortable and eager to let each other life with.
I keep holding a part of me back out of fear that I will be ridiculed and laughed at once again. It’s like a groundhog in February when he comes out and his greeted by everybody. Do I feel like I can stand up to all these people or do I need to run away and hide? Am I steady enough on my own or do I need to have somebody who loves me to be my crutch while I get my baring’s. I don’t want to cry anymore but at times I feel like that is all that I can do. Now I know why the lil ol lady insisted on living a life tucked away deep inside of a shoe.
Tucked away where no one can no longer consider you irritating only to come out once in awhile to catch the sun. I find my thoughts wondering to a time that was simpler where I didn’t need constant validation from a society on what it is that I should do. If I do this and share that will that get me more followers and maybe some likes? I like to think that if it was going to happen it should happen somewhat organically or how else would it have a chance to ever survive.
What do I know anyways I don’t think I will ever get there anyways. I try to engage in the habits of highly effective people but I think that I maybe defective or something. That no matter how hard I try I always end up messing up. I can’t tell you how many times I have bumped my head or scratched myself and all the bruises that cover me from head to toe. I feel so unlucky that I do just want to give up but then there is that piece inside of me that reminds myself of all those who gave their lives before me in order for me to rise up.