Last Breath

For as long as I can remember I was a liar. Ok well more like a fabricator of truths. I mean you don’t get abused for a 1.5 year as a teen without learning to cover up and tell a few lies.

It became easier in a way. Learning to read people and say what it is that you think they wanted you to say. Not getting too attached to anybody or anything so that it would become easier to move away. I could no longer imagine an existence where I could trust anybody especially when so many have let me down like no other before.

Aren’t lies ridiculous in all sense of their words. I mean the audacity of the words that some chose to say have me shrugging my shoulders not quite knowing what to say. I hate engaging with these type of beings. There is no way you can ever trust any of their words which leads to a devaluation of you conversation where you are forced to forget every word you just heard.

I look for holes in peoples patterns to see if I can uncover their truths. Some forget their actions speak louder then their yells ever could which leaves me questioning everything in this world. There has to be more than what we are portraying or what would be the reason that all this would happen? Why give us life to just take it away, which means the answers that we are searching for has to lie somewhere in the middle, somewhere in between.

I don’t like lies no more because it takes me away from where I am meant to be. Like a deviated path or a fork in the road it is up to me to decide the outcome and therefor dictate the journey. Am I scared of how the outside world would perceive me? I think in a way we all are.

I understand what is happening to me, well my thoughts now to say the least. I now know the problem between me and my husband and it all starts with his inability to even state the truth. Every word that comes out of his lips I raise up an eyebrow and want to cry. Imagine this existence. Imagine a place in time where the person you have come to trust you can’t even and you are not even sure as to why.

I live on edge constantly. Can I trust what he is saying or have I finally had enough? I think the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that my son is to young to understand to know that he shouldn’t be believing all these lies.

That is the catalyst. That’s all there is. As soon as my son appears broken about what is happening I think that will be my time when I will be forced to leave. Right now he doesn’t appear to be bothered but I know that day will soon to come.

As an empath I am feeling everything. Ever emotion is being forced up to the surface. I feel like I am being dragged under with all that is happening but I try to keep my head above water so that I can keep swimming. From every which way I feel pulled apart and prodded. It’s like a pain that you can’t even imagine until you are caught up in it and have stopped breathing.

I think they call it anxiety or maybe it is called a panic attack. I don’t know what it is in the moment but for me I feel like I may never get back. All the air leaves my body and the blood rushes to my head. I can’t tell if I am coming or going but I must certainly feel it coming and I wonder if it is this time I may end up dead.

All rational thoughts have left me making me feel like I have lost my place in time. I am uncertain of what is even happening, if there are foes in my vicinity or maybe this time it maybe a friend. The uncertainty of not even knowing will leave me trembling in the corner leaving so many words left unspoken that probably should have been let out and said.

Maybe that is the problem. We all tell lies from time to time. I think that is what keeps some us going believing in the idea that we will become all of our lies. That we are worthy of a life without doing any of the work.

What makes life important is the ability to do all the things that we in the stars were never able to do. The ability to laugh and love and show compassion for other living things gives us this special feeling of entitlement that only coming alive could possibly bring. Why desire to hurt anybody when the only thing we had to do down here on Earth was live?

What do we do with the constant irritation that always seems to appear in the way? I think that means we have to keep our heads down somewhat and not get to worried about what other people think or have to say. Easier said then done right because we are always searching for outside validation. At least that is the purpose of social media these days to keep our head shoved up each other people’s *sses so that we would have no clue or possibility of knowing.

I think that is what makes me believe that this life we are living maybe a ruse and that we are spiraling into our own demise. Don’t you feel a little bit suppressed and beat down sometimes? Like no matter how hard you try to run away from it all that you may just become all of their lives. That the sparkle that is you, is enough to light up the night sky. I hope we all get a chance to realize that moment before we take our last breath and die.

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