The Devil Inside

I think what drives my husband the most is that I get to emotionally vested in whatever it is that I am partaking. For example all the true crime that I find myself wasting time on. I need to know what drives a normal mind to seemingly crack right in half.

My emotions somehow get tied directly to the victim trying to imagine what they were forced to endure. I try to imagine their terror filled last minutes as they looked into the eyes of somehow they once adored.

It was like my dad always said, tragedy will find you depending upon the company you decide to keep around. You hang around with bad people and bad things will happen but what happens when those bad people seem to be way out of your control?

I can’t even tell you. Yesterday I watched a documentary of a young coward who murdered his wife and two babies and I mean he took a shotgun to his 9 month old’s daughter head. Try and google husband who shoots his family and you will be horrified by the results that you will see. Here is the story that I will be referring to in the off chance you can stomach this story to even read (https://clarksvillenow.com/local/jordan-hazel-pleads-guilty-to-murdering-wife-and-2-young-children/).

As this story unfolds you have two Grandmother’s telling their side of events. I was horrified to learn that the mother of the murderer was immediately coming to his defense. He shot 3 people in the head for no other reason then he wanted a fresh start in life. He wanted to eliminate his problems what he desired was most was to start all over with no children or wife.

Her mother saw all the bruises and pleaded for her daughter to come home. Her daughter insisted that she took a vow to be there for the man that she loved in front of her family and of course being blessed by God. I couldn’t imagine that feeling knowing that you wanted to help but you wanted to allow your child to make the best choices for her own life. In a mother’s broken words she wished that hog tied her child down in the weeks before. She could of. She was already there. Her husband had kicked them out in the weeks prior but lost his mind when she actually left him.

The mother of the murderer tried saying it wasn’t her sons fault. That if they were scared of who he was becoming then she should have had the strength to leave him. The mother admitted that her son heard voices but to me that all came after the fact. It seemed like all she wanted to do was spare him the death penalty and I don’t know in what reality I could ever be ok with that.

He shot each family straight in the head. Even his 3 year old son who was scared and crying because he just watched his father shoot his mother dead. He wanted a hug and what did this monster do he pushed him away. He pushed him just far enough so he could shoot him in the head then went off to do the 9 month old in the same way.

I want to be respectful to the family lost because they deserve to have a little bit of grace. I can’t believe he let her mother find them as he was sitting there eating a bologna sandwich as he waited. Imagine seeing your babies in that way? How can anyone ever be the same. Because of what one person ultimately wanted he did something so depraved. This is why I can’t glorify evil and I kind of have to question people that insist on doing the same.

How terrifying would that moment in time be when you hear your husband call out your name because he wanted to shoot you. At what moment did you realized that this man would do nothing in his being to save you. That when asked if he could ever hurt the children it was all to become a lie. All you wanted was a happy family you never expected or wanted for anybody to die.

The coward is the one left standing because he let his ego get in his way. He couldn’t imagine letting go of anybody so beautiful so he decided that he would have the final say. He took away somebody who was coming to their own. All that she had dreamed of was a family that she could call her own.

I think this serves as an indication that at any time we can be easily manipulated. I think that is why we have to take in to consideration how it is that other beings can treat us. What do they say in moments of anger and do they ever apologize or do they ignore it and hopes it go away. How do we protect ourselves in times when all we hope for is a chance to live another day?

So why do I watch these shows if they make me so upset? I watch them so that there story can be told and so that there loved ones we will never forget. The innocent among us are always forced to pay the ultimate price. I think that is what drives me, is that I am trying to understand exactly what it is that other people will find themselves doing.

I don’t want to glorify evil I want to put it in its place. Its not good in the direction that we find ourselves in but what else can we hope for when a majority of find ourselves in an unsafe space. Too focused on what we are doing and how it is that we can get ourselves ahead we will do anything in our power to be successful until the time that we are dead. That also means that we will eliminate anything that gets in our way, I think that is where the saying comes from that every dog will have its day.

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