Magickal Manipulations

I feel sad. Almost devastatingly so. I feel this overwhelming weight suffocating me that will resurface once everybody in this house is awake.

What I want people to understand is that I love this life, at times, most times. I love that at any given time during my day I am never alone. There is always an animal somewhere near beside me.

I love the comfort that they bring without having to say a word. It makes my life a little bit easier because I don’t have to worry about being heard. Their expectations of me is just one of happily existence. If they can find a lap to curl up on and a hand to scratch behind their ears and rub their bellies then they will find themselves very happy.

I like to engage in magickal manipulations that will bring me some hope and maybe some joy because in the days that I feel like I am drowning I know that I more than annoy. I feel that sorrow so deeply like I am nothing but a maggot that has found myself in the way. I feel sad in knowing that I am more than an irritation and it makes me forget all the words and passion that I want to carry forward with me on this day.

There are certain days of my life that have hurt incredibly then there are the days that tend to mirror and I am unable to feel the same. My heart has been incredibly guarded because I know that most people just live to have their say.

It’s like when my husband always tells me that I need to be medicated I wonder what benefit having me desensitized can possibly serve him for. I couldn’t imagine being so numb that I couldn’t laugh or even smile and I can’t imagine why he would want me to live that way? I think it is easier for him to deal with me with no emotions then trying to be a friend to me at all.

What I feel is incredibly hated because he goes to 0 to 100 for no reason at all. I hate that he is always so angry for anything that I am doing, or not doing, and it takes everything inside of me for these tears not to fall. If tears do start more insults come and that is when my brain begins to play tricks on me and makes me feel insane.

Trying to be happy is incredibly hard to do. I have memories of times when I thought I was happy but I am not sure if those are even true. Growing up I thought I was happy but I see how I was just pushed aside until I just went away. I moved away with little consideration of who I was leaving behind and just ignored all the bad memories like all those times in my past that I was instructed to do.

Another common rebuttal I find myself dealing with is I am constantly being told that I need to stop living in the past. I think that is a loaded statement on its own because what happened before when we were younger makes us into the being we become when we are old.

How many people have lost a loved one and vowed to never let their memory fade? Who has promised to live a better life in order to honour them? To me it isn’t just somebody I have known that makes something move inside of me it is always the possibility and sorrow of what could have been.

I can’t help but feel sadness for a person’s heart who has been broken right in half. Who are we to believe that we are so entitled to live our lives so incredibly skewed and different. Nobody should have to live questioning why it is they are who they are instead of being so and so and mean something to somebody so I do feel an ache in my heart for other people from time to time. K. Most of the time and I think that is why it is so bothersome to certain people in my general vicinity.

Deep breaths right. Slowly in and then hold it before you once again blow out. It gets overwhelming to think that there will be a time that I will ache to be doing this exact thing. There are pets that are no longer and then there will be the day when it is just me. If we are lucky in life that is what will happen to us. One foot still on the ground as your head keeps its place on your pillow.

I hate that idea that when I die that all the things that I have loved become garbage and all essence obsolete. Nobody will ever love the junk that I do so I don’t understand why this all has to be over before I even blink. I want time to slow down so I can figure out the meaning so I can learn to do the right thing. I am so sad for the moments that can be no longer because they didn’t happen, like as a little girl I always hoped that I would grow up surrounded by family and here I sit alone most of the time trying to think.

I over analyze every thing because I am so scared that I am going to miss out. I am scared to let my true light shine out of fear it will be extinguished before I even let my heart lose to sing. One foot in the grave I suppose as I always anticipate that day. I need to think about how it is going to happen and if it is going to be painful of all things.

You can’t talk to anybody about those things because they will just look at you and cringe. Nobody wants to talk about the fear of not knowing where we are going and I think that is all my melancholy desires to bring.

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