Anytime I open my lips I quickly want to snap them shut because I know the words I speak will always fall onto deaf ears. When this happens, and it happens a lot, I crawl back into the shell in which I came from and threaten to stay there for many more years.
I wish I was normal. I think that could save all my problems so I can take a seat on the sidelines and watch the rest of the world pass me by without having to wonder if it is my time to laugh or my time to cry.
Speaking out of turn, yes please, what about engaging in a conversation that doesn’t even make sense. It’s like when I talk to children all they do is stare at me with smiling eyes as they hold their breath in anticipation of the words that I may just speak of next which is nothing short of comical most often devoid of all meaning. I don’t want to upset anybody I just want to have a good time.
Words evade me when I need them most it seems. All the nervous energy that has been talking stalk below me now rises to the surface and ties my tongue so I can’t speak. As the energy around me fills with static I bite my tongue struggling to find the perfect words to say to which I usually have none. Awkwardly shy until those take an interest and begin to know me. I don’t think I ever made a friend that was able to last because of my demeanor.
So who do the socially awkward turn to when they have nobody? Are they always expected to run in to the arms of their mother until the bad men go away? If it wasn’t for the strength and loyalty of my mother I don’t know where I would be. Her selfless devotion means everything in the world to me.
My biggest fear is losing her because I know I needed to see her more. I let the excuses of covid hold me captive and I am incredibly embarrassed that I did that. I let the anxiety that cripples me every day creep in and threaten to over take me. I notice that time seems to go faster these days and I don’t know why there is not much I can do these days but fold over and cry.
I wonder how I got this way and if it came on to be all of a sudden. I think when I stopped having to go outside everyday I found comfort in this home instead of getting comfortable in the darkness. I remember so many years and nights spent alone wondering if my luck will ever change and now that I have a family I wonder what I did to deserve them.
It all happened so fast that nobody around us knew what was happening. One minute I was single attending pin-up functions then I was married pushing around a baby stroller. Those friends I met at the time were only passing by in the middle of night. Only hanging around long enough to get their fill and see if I was alright. Not that they cared, more they were jealous of what was happening. I mean everybody is happiest when we are all one of the same now that I was branching out nobody needed to remember my name.
I never wanted to admit to anybody that I needed anybody else. I think though the reality is we all truly do. I wanted to look like I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet and that I was going to make it on my own with hard work and determination no matter what that may look like.
I know that I am strange and wasn’t built for most people, rarely anybody but it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t have my own time to shine. I think that would mean we would have to consider what it would look like to look and feel your best without the compulsion of wondering about everybody else instead.
Imagine having a genuine person to talk to that wouldn’t always be rolling their eyes. I used to have a friend like that at one time but the Universe has taken them and now all I do is cry. I miss being interesting to at least one person in this world. It makes everything feel a little bit better, a little bit lighter that only being unconditionally loved and accepted would.
Is silence golden? I think it is. There is no way for any confusion if there are no words that are ever spoken. Animals don’t speak much they just go about their day. If they don’t like something they speak up and then they are on their way.
Do they hold grudge’s? I think so. Every once in awhile you can see a disagreement between the two that will just never go away. It’s very enlightening watching them interact. For me it is a perfect indication of the world and how it is meant to be. You can tell that they know that they need to get along and in that moment everything inside of me just begins to go calm.
What they teach me is you don’t necessarily need somebody to talk to but you need somebody to exist with. Somebody to give your life purpose and to accept and love you no matter what it is you are going through. There is just something to be said for being unconditionally loved and I for one love to surround myself with that.
To live vicariously with little or no fear of what is being said or even what is happening around you wouldn’t that be the most ideal way to live? You wouldn’t have to worry if anybody was around or if anybody cared to listen to you, you could go on with a full heart and live to have the grandest day.