A Life Pre-Lived

I got caught in this idea that I needed to live a certain way in order for people to like me. It didn’t matter how sick I became or how difficult life became I would live the same day over and over again until something gave away. Sound familiar. It didn’t work in Hollywood so why did I think it would work for me. It it ain’t broke don’t fix it, but what it if it doesn’t appear to be doing anything, any kind of benefit for the rest of the world to see.

I know I need to be medicated for all intents and purposes. Blame my trauma for that one. For whatever reason my brain doesn’t like to behave in any kind of normal way. As a young girl who was continuously victimized by somebody I thought I loved it was a very easy trait for me to learn to go on and get on the defense. Not that anybody was listening or that anybody seemed to care but I think it seemed to work for me so I didn’t always have to be around and be there.

My social media was becoming the same way. I like to have a purpose for people to come and find me but it didn’t matter anyways because most people didn’t come and stay. Does that make sense? Kind of. It’s like I think it’s just a numbers game for most people. They think once they have you sticking around that you will always stick around so they don’t have to buy into what you are saying or giving you their support.

My life is like that. I am feeling better. Captains log. Day 4 with no dabs and there is air in my lungs and it is getting easier for me to breathe. Go figure right. I let peer pressure drag me down into the deepest depths now I am getting my fortitude to get up and try to leave.

The reality, my reality, is that nobody was watching my reels anyways and I was getting sicker and sicker every single day. It didn’t make sense to me but of course it did. How could I breathe in any kind of oxygen when my lungs are filled with so much smoke.

My biggest fear is that it is going to be Chronic Pulmonary Disease which could lead to a heart attack if I am not careful. There is a lot of moisture in my lungs I can feel it so this might be the reason why I do struggle to breathe.

Unfortunately there is a scientific component behind our lives that we can’t ignore. Like we need air and water and of course food to live and to live well. There has to be some sort of reprucussions to a lower quality of life up to and including all the things that you would never believe.

Imagine how hard your life would be if your body was struggling to deliver oxygen to all of its parts. One thing I am constantly doing and getting into trouble for is my bathroom visits now I am wondering if maybe all of this is somehow connected. Think about it. How are we to know what the consequences are when a piece of your body stops working. Who are we to say how the body is affected because the reality is this information that we are probably not supposed to know.

I am not encouraging anybody to get sicker rather to take their own bull by the horns and dissect. What isn’t working and is there a way for you to fix it and is there a way for you to gain some sort of control. Sure there is as long as you aren’t too obnoxious to ignore it. I mean there are a billion people out there waiting for you to fail so why would you keep on doing more.

It’s hard isn’t it? Trying to live your best life but also trying your best to fit in? Then you stop wondering and realize are these two the same thing? I don’t think so. When you live honestly people question you because why would you want to live in such a way that is different then the mainstream. If we aren’t opposing something are we even living anyways? I don’t think so but what that is just me.

Incredibly with every oxygen fueled breath that I take now I feel energized with life in a way that I have forgot to feel. Of course right. How can one not feel amazing when their cells are buzzing with this positive energy that only one on track with their lives could ever hope to feel.

So what if what I was searching for was everything that was right in front of me. I think we have all been given the tools to live a higher quality of life but I think most of us become too blind to actually see or even believe them. What makes me feel good is all the things here in front of me and there are no drugs like this feeling that can ever take their place so I need to be focused more on them.

I need to cook and clean and do all that organizational bullsh*t and maybe put the phone down more every once and awhile. There is nobody calling me anyways even though they know my number and if somebody is sliding into my DM’s then I can control what I see and therefore what I read. I am control of my own destiny and that even means all the content that I come up with and the message that I hope to create.

All I want is to live a life and do so gracefully with one or two children to keep me company as I live out my golden years. I know that time is coming for me and it is doing so rather quickly so I will keep on engaging in all those activities that I so deeply believe in.


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