The Courage It Takes

I am going to tread lightly when it comes to posting this one but I feel it is important and there are some people that need to know. There is a chance that you don’t fit into somebody else’s set of standards and they will talk about you whenever they have a chance when others backs are turned.

How do I talk about this without tipping those who are the culprit off? I mean there will always be those that think that I am crazy but now I think they are conspiring just so they can get the best of me. I am lost on the idea that in order to fit into anybody’s life that somebody else needs to be drugged. What in bloody hell is the purpose for all that. If you can’t handle somebody at their best you don’t deserve them at their worst and never have greater words sank in that I am forced to take to heart.

Imagine having people you have little or no respect for conspiring behind your back just so they can obtain the upper hand. I see people content on being devious and I can’t get them far enough away from me so I can keep the purity of my blood.

I have never denied the fact that at times I am irrational and a wee bit crazy. That is what abuse and violence does to a girl that is forced to endure abuse at such a young age. It never came at the hands of my parents, just some boy that I thought I needed to know. That was my first taste that life might not be all that it is cut out to be. I should have you that experience to turn and run.

Everybody wants to use something against me. Trying to make it so I feel delirious and maybe give them the feeling like they have won. I hear it all the time. You are crazy and need medication. Why do I need to be medicated to fit into somebody else’s life? I was pretty clear in the beginning what it is that I wanted now I have to be ok with somebody who is only able to keep on telling all these lies.

Every day is the same. I get critisized always for trying my best. I get told how annoying I am and how he wished that I would just go away. I am not privy to any sort of information that involves his life even though it is hindering to our quality and my ability to be his wife.

My son is coming to an age where he actually likes to eat the meals that I cook but it still has worn me down on all these years where I would cook for a family where I would end up throwing all the food away. It still happens. Junk food and ignorance reigns in my house and it reigns supreme.

I am tired because I am always on and with zero communication. I have no idea what schedule he keeps, if he will be around or if he will take time to spend time with his son and play. Imagine living a life where you are always on edge wondering what is going to be next to be said. I am tired of being insulted for my health and my inability to breathe that I will do anything to get better so I can finally pick up and leave.

There is something to be said for an existence that is irritating. Not to myself but to others that have found themselves near me. I think it is hard to hear about how so many people don’t have an acquired taste for me so I shut myself off from the world before it is my time to leave.

As the fires of the world awaken those that hate my presence most I forget how to breathe. I hear them coming for me and I am worried that I won’t be able to sustain the energy that I have found myself surrounded by, that energy that has come to be known as me.

I like to open up my mind and believe that maybe we weren’t placed here to be entertained by just anybody and that it would be ok to have a set of standards if you know what I mean. Just because you came from the same place that doesn’t mean that together you will be going so I think it is ok to forget about those that have already moved on and done the same.

So I am hesitant with people because people are no longer hesitant with me. As soon as they get the chance they want to chew you out and spit you out faster than they can say boo and move on to the next in line in order to get there thrill. With so many people in this world how can we ever get enough. Just a taste of this one over here and OH look at that one over there.

These days I am learning to say nothing as he rages around the house. It is easier to keep my nose down instead of peering away from the grind. I know what needs to be done and how to maintain a happy house. Sure it means more work for me but I couldn’t imagine living or being anywhere else. It’s not that I have found my soul mate I just found the pieces that make my soul feel complete. You don’t have to be attached to another human being when there is so much other life to be engulfed with.

The real deal is there are people who will live for the days when they get to hate you and they will live for little to nothing else. They will be jealous of you for no other reason then the courage that it takes for you just to be yourself.


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