Left for Dead

I went to the Doctors yesterday. The whole ride there I was going over what I was going to say to make sure that I would get it right. All the things that anybody in my life has ever said coming to the surface and threatening to take control of my brain.

The offensive behaviour being my mood swings. It has been brought to my attention that some believe that my emotions have gotten out of control. Sure I can see that. When I get aggravated it becomes almost impossible for me to get out of it at all. I mean it can take a day or two before my mood and emotions begin to regulate. That can be a problem for some. Especially to those who were the cause of the irritation.

It’s a scary thought isn’t it. That who you are is a person isn’t good enough for somebody else that is in your life. That when the times get tough they want you gone and that is something that I can never quite ignore. If you don’t like me now you will not like me again so let me cut you off before you make a play and try to win.

Admitting to my Doctor that the problems in my life all start with me was hard but she just looked at me. Through my tears she patiently listened to everything I said then calmly informed me that everything that I am going through can be a direct result from my lack of iron so we need to get to the root.

Sending me off with more blood work and a chest x-ray I could see how it all made sense. I had an abortion when I was 13 and I wonder what they did to have my blood replaced. I am a bleeder. That has always been me. Now I am wondering if that has always been what has been wrong with me.

When your iron is so low you become moody as hell. You don’t act like yourself there is always something off that makes it so you aren’t well. It can come across as a mood disorder or even depression because your body is being robbed of oxygen. How can your body begin to function normally when it begins with the element required so that one can finally breathe. It makes sense so now what do I do? We check to see if the iron supplement I have been taking is working and in the absence of all that we begin again.

I feel energized in the sense that I always knew something was wrong but I am incredibly frustrated. How would you feel about those who constantly gave you grief for something that is out of your control? You try to get help from somebody, anybody but when nobody listens where do you go?

My doctor listens which is odd in itself. She is the only one who has taken the time to listen so why would I go see anybody else. My husband wants me to find a doctor who lives closer and all I want to do is find somebody who cares. I don’t understand why he is always so confrontational especially when it comes to anything involving me.

All I want to do is get better and it seems to me he wants to hold me back. Anytime I say I am not feeling well it becomes a fight and I am not kidding you it is exhausting when all I want to do is get well. It’s hard isn’t it knowing who to trust. You never quite know anybody do you and I think that is the problem. Who do you trust in a sea full of sharks? The one with the biggest belly because he is probably full.

As I sat across from my Doctor I got incredibly emotional. It is embarrassing to admit why other people dislike me, at least I think I felt awful in that moment and that is just between you and me. Of course I did and you would have too. There is just this sinking feeling that comes when you admit any kind of off behaviour because you aren’t sure how others are going to feel about you.

I felt validated and accepted that she wanted to hear and listen to the words that I was saying. I am not sure how to explain it but usually doctors just look through me. I think it started a long time ago when I was trying to get the doctors to believe me that I was in incredible pain. There was nothing like living in Vancouver in the early 2000s. Anytime you asked for something for pain they treated you like a junkie. At least that is how they treated me. It must have been my known associates because I have no idea why that would even be.

I feel confused on where I am going and I am not sure what direction to take. I let the ideas of what people believe about me to become gospel and affect who it is that I am trying to be. Does that make sense? Kind of. I am talking about conforming into become a being that isn’t me. I loved how my Doctor said that you don’t need to be medicated to get along with anybody that maybe the problem just isn’t me.

I have tried everything to get along with those people in my life but all they have done is tried to keep the upper hand. I have been honest in my intentions and the roads that I have travelled because I don’t want anything bad to have to happen to anybody else. Maybe if we learn to get along we all can end up being somebody until that time happens though I worry that we may all just be left for dead.


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