I always like to talk daily about something and I find this issue pressing in my brain. I wonder if he knew what I expected to come out of being married if he would even feel the same.

Where does one even begin. Let’s start with I believe in gender roles. I believe that a woman’s place is in the kitchen and that she should be expected to cook and clean BUT that is only because the other member is the provider. I have no problems with going to work. What I have a problem with is somebody who is constantly making digs at me, always trying to get under my skin.

I think that is what makes me slow to do what he asks and it’s hard to keep doing something for somebody who doesn’t appreciate you. It’s not like I will NEVER get around to doing something I just do everything else that needs to get done first.

This is a VERY busy house and he just doesn’t understand. What he sees is animals that just sleep all day but they make a mess more than anybody especially when there are so many. Cat fur everywhere and always not to mention the big dogs have destroyed everything and they are so loud too.

Then there are the moments when my son wants me to sit with him and I stop everything that I am doing when those moments come. I know there won’t be many more of these days coming so I like to slow down time to give me something to hold onto.

I wish he knew what it felt like to lose a baby and how you can’t just get over it. I hate that he always tells me to stop living in the past but it’s like I have some of my greatest memories from those times too. I love to bring my grandparents alive for just one more moment in time. My heart aches but it is happy it is the only feeling in this world I can truly call mine.

I also wish he knew that I would rather live with all these emotions then be medicated right out of my head. There was a time when I was on uppers and downers and medications to get me into and out of bed. I gained so much weight I hated who I was but there was nothing I could do. The physciatrist that I was seeing kept her dog in a drawer, she behaved like a nasty old shrew.

In fact she was the one who told me it was impossible for me to fear being sexually assaulted because of my weight. “You’re a large girl, predators want somebody that is easy. There is no way now anybody is every choosing you.” That is what I was dealing when I was in my early twenties. Straight out of a messed up high school situation right into another one you start believing what all those in power keep saying.

What I wish he knew is that I do want to be treated like a lady and that does include what chores he chooses to do around the house. I am all about helping but there are some things that I just can’t imagine and I hate how mean he gets when I ask him to help me out.

Maybe I just talked in a big circle I am sorry if I did. I wanted to play the damsel in life but I fear that I may have taken it to an extreme. I wish he knew how much it pains me that my existence makes him so mad. He is always so easily to anger and I think that is something that makes me most sad.

I don’t want to always play the victim but how does one start to get out of this rut? I fear most of my bridges have been burned I can almost feel it deep inside my gut. How long does somebody keep holding onto to something when it’s something that they are going to end up losing in the end? How I wish it was somewhat easier and how I could even begin to consider him a friend.

I know what I do is irritating however I do try my best. There is just something about being a mother that makes everything else get pushed to the side and begin to rest. I am working on that because I believe somehow it is connected to my health. I know you keep hating when I talk about it but I look forward to a day when I can finally breathe.

What I wish my husband knew is that I don’t ever want to see him mad. My heart sinks whenever something happens especially when it is something bad. All the lies he tells are the inconsistencies in my brain are just about enough for me to go insane.

I don’t feel like I have a friend but somebody who is conspiring against me so he can get ahead. Devoid of any type of affection I wonder just how much more I can take. I don’t think it is normal for anybody to have to live this way. His honour lies with anybody other than me. I wish he could recognize the damage that he was doing that he can see just how much he was hurting me.

I never claimed to be ordinary in fact I have always exclaimed to be anybody else. I don’t know why it is so offensive to live my own truth, I don’t bother anybody. Unless of course your in direct opposition of something that I have felt or said. We are each allowed our opinion but it seems like you don’t want to hear mine. What I wish that my husband knew is that he took forever to find. I waited 37 years just to say that I do. Now that those words are spoken though I feel helpless and I am sure that he does too.