To Love Life

I was born a small town girl with small town dreams and even smaller wishes so it makes it easier to believe why my life began to go array.

From the minute I was born I was surrounded by animals. It didn’t matter what side you looked on animals were a presence so in my life they would always stay.

Growing up animals served a purpose. We used to have horses that would help rotatile the farm, that is until one succombed to the swamp like surroundings then my grandfather exclaimed that they would need no more.

We used to have a milking cow for fresh milk and even fresher turned butter. That is the women who raised my father whom we were lucky enough to grow up next door. That woman would do everything in one of her famed polyester dresses and kitten pumps. Heather grey was the color of the day because it matched most of what she wore.

I still have a feather pillow that she made me. Made from the chicken feathers that she took the time to collect as she ran around the farm. Those chickens lived their lies almost 100 years ago and hear I get to lay my head down on their essence and allow their presence to come alive in my dreams once more.

There used to be a time when I would cry myself to sleep hoping that one day somebody would like me and I mean like me enough so that they would like to stay and be my friend instead of always deciding to leave. I used to condemn every feeling I used to harbour and every emotion that used to fester over until I realized that a true friend wouldn’t want you to keep on living this lie anymore.

My best friend, and I am ok to admit this, is an 8 pound fluff ball who sleeps every night on my pillow. Every time I toss and turn and feel like I can no longer go on no more and that the thoughts that I am having just might make me go insane I feel her fur. Her soft toes hit my head reminding me that I am somebody then it hits me what my purpose maybe in this cold, hard world.

My animals and my plants. All the things that nature has provided to me that no one in this Earth can ever think of taking away. In my beloved critter room where the life that humans have tried to abandon is now able to come and rest is beginning to flourish. I think this room is my greatest sense of pride.

To be privy to the songs and exhalation of simple adoration is a sound that many will be privy to in this increasingly alarmin world. Every here a canary sing out of sheer enjoyment at the possibility of having new friends. No glass to seperate them from each other if they just reach over they can share each others breath. Sure I would love for him to know of a friend but in this moment having friends to live beside is more than enough.

As I move through the room checking on my vegetables and my new budding flowers I can’t help to take notice how much these two chinchilla’s were able to hit it off. It doesn’t bother me what my vet told me to recognize that they are healthy. There more poop there is to clean the better it is for me!! Can you believe? They both have their individual personalities. She loves her carbohydrates and he prefers a slim physique.

I used to wake up feeling defeated. That no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get the outside world to like me and that’s when I began to realize how much energy I have been so content on wasting. Why do I need the outside world to like me when I live in an amongst so many friends. Before the sun even crests over the mountains to greet us this morning, I have positively impacted the lives of so many (8 to be exact) and that is before the rest of the house is even awake.

Imagine being appreciated for the life that you were already content on living already. We should focus on that type of energy instead of trying to even out the score. My only wish I think is to have one more baby. At 43 it is an idea that I still hold onto. I know with a husband who is easily irritated and seems to hate me I know that this is impossible and it is a feeling I hope that I can finally ignore.

Outside of the 8 that I have helped already there are still 14 more to go and that is before the rest of the family is even awake. It is a lot to do and I am rarely appreciated, I think it is an expectation by both parties that has me running for the doors.

I am the mommy so I am head of this family so if anybody is going to get into trouble for what is happening it is me. I feel like a yo yo both with my emotions and how I am always running around cleaning with very little help or consideration for what is happening around us.

I guess that is the life that I chose to live and the life that I always thought I wanted instead of becoming a vet though I opened a vet office up inside of my house. When my dad told me I couldn’t save everybody it was a challenge as I grew up and preceded to gather up all the animals that other humans tossed away and threw away into the streets. That is who I am a lover and understander of animals. Now it makes perfect sense why I can’t connect with humans, not at all.


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