I don’t want to be hear anymore. I don’t want to be that girl that I had to become in order to live through all the pain. I don’t want to live a life where I am constantly taunted, teased and ridiculed like I was forced to endure over all these years. Why would I have to stay where I am clearly not wanted. Wouldn’t it be much easier if I just disappeared and went about my day? I wish.
The love of my life still resides here so I am holding on for dear life for as long as I can. Just something happens when the testoterone shifts in the room. All I feel is hatred coming my way, so much that I don’t even know how to explain. The insults roll off the tongue so easily so I know there is truth inside of every single room. Who would continue entertaining a friendship with a being who insists on calling them disgusting and berating them in every possible way in front of her son.
My son is my reason that I struggle to let go. It hurts my heart so much that he is forced to sit there and watch me cry. I try to hold on for as long as possible. I sit like a statue hoping that the anger will just find a way to pass me by. This tactic doesn’t work either it just makes the anger worse. I don’t know what I did to have to endure an existence such as this.
So once again I believe it maybe time as I am more than ready to begin to fly this roost. We only live once so why engaging in those people who don’t want you around here. In fact I did one more and asked him point blank. Do you still like me? “Not really, I guess sometimes.” Are we ever going to have another baby? “No I don’t think so.” He couldn’t even look up at me. I need to get out of here and I need to run but what will happen to all of these lives I have come to love if I decide to finally leave?
When I say I have no friends it’s because I believe our life partner should be our first one and in every sense of the word I have become an irritation to him it seems. He can’t tell the truth to save his own life. I can’t believe what comes out of his lips over half of the time. The manipulation comes when he says that he is doing something for us then minutes after the deed is down you can blind your eyes and he is gone.
I don’t want to speak ill about anybody because it is not my place to keep on saying. What I am insinuating is that maybe after so long if there is no desire to fix it then you should cut your significant other loose so that they might find true love. I have true love in the furry sense and the day that my son came to life my world had never felt so complete but there is something to be said for getting a hug from somebody who loves you and not from somebody who is only 5 years old.
What’s the most hurtful thing that has ever been said to you and was it said once or did you have to hear it over and over again. If only you were a better person this wouldn’t always be happening, maybe you should start listening instead of always having to be told. You are so disgusting in the life that you live and maybe you should start focusing on your own life instead of everybody else. You read into every situation with this over complicated back stories instead of seeing the truth that lays at the end of your nose.
All I want to do is cry and if the lord was more than willing maybe curl up and die? If I would have known how painful it would have been to try and built a life with somebody I think I would have kept my nose to the grind instead of hoping and wishing for more.
That day on that train platform I should have ran and never looked back. I should have listened to all my spidey senses instead of hitting ignore. I fell for all the lies hook, line and sinker because I was just a hard working woman who in her head she decided she wanted more.
I wanted to see how the other half lived because all that I have come to know was broken promises and empty lies. Feeding me the words that I wanted to hear I was destined for a life of poverty and more than likely a whole lot more. I was always attracted to the bad guys, the ones that insisted on living their days on the other side of the law. It doesn’t surprise me who I had chosen in life it just still surprising who it is he is trying to be.
Imagine if the biggest troll of your life was living in your house waiting to tear you down a level and make it so that you don’t want to breathe. Any happiness that you show he wants to smack that grin right off of you doing anything in his power to reduce you down to his sick need.
At times I feel like I am in limbo. This is half of what I want but I want to eliminate some of this stress. I think it is the lies that make me feel like I am finally going to boil over or maybe it is the lack of respect I have been forced to endure over all of these years. I have to keep on building myself up in the hopes that I can build myself up stronger that even he couldn’t defeat.