How Life Should’ve Been

So it happened again. One of the biggest fears that I have inside of these four walls is waiting to see whose turn it is to die next. It is inevitable. No matter how great your day is nothing can stop it faster then having to say goodbye to something that was once alive.

If you had guessed our beta fish then you are 110% correct. They aren’t kidding when they say there is a science behind trying to get this ecosystem into balance and I had no desire to try and figure out how this system works.

Call it bad memories that had left a poor taste in my mouth. I will never forget the night that happened when I noticed that all my fish were in fact swimming upside down. The boyfriend that I was living with at the time had got a ride to my girlfriends house that he was banging behind my back. He didn’t say to me that is where he was going but only somebody with her head in the clouds would ignore the facts that I had seen.

The lack of attention towards me and I even found her number crumpled up on a piece of paper in his pocket. It’s like I was already manic suffering from severe depression this betrayal seemed like the ultimate as they screwed the last nail into my coffin.

I remember the feeling inside of me that took over as I knew exactly what was going on. It was then that I noticed my aquarium like he took out his aggression on them instead of me. The way they had died was so unnatural. I mean the one fish I had for 5 years was laying at the bottom of the aquarium with a broken back. I wouldn’t have thought much about it but then I noticed my other fished crammed into the filter and that is when something inside of me just began to snap.

How do you trust anybody after everything that they had just done. He stole anything that was worth any value included the graduation presents my family had handed down to me with pride when I finished school. There was the mint condition dollar bills in all sorts of denomination that my grandmother had hoarded away with pride. That ex just wanted to do what he could to do destroy me and I think I understood what most peoples ultimate desire was to do.

What most people desired was to have finite control. If something was out of the ordinary then they got out of sorts and didn’t know what to do. He took out his aggression on my pets because he didn’t have the testicular fortitude to take it out on me. I think the fish were somewhat easier to take out his torture onto because he had just locked my rabbit and cat in another room.

When all you have come to know inside of relationships is what another will do to keep the upper hand you grow up with this feelings that nothing you can do will ever be accepted all that you can hope to feel is bad. I remember feeling hopeless in that moment like all my happiness was tied to one being. I couldn’t believe what another thought was acceptable behaviour when everybody on the outside saw the behaviour as being downright mean.

So fish have always been that one entity that I have always kept at arms length away. I never got over the feeling of what I had witnessed that day and what they would have gone through with this man who was having a bad day. Nobody understands what it feels like when you fail an entity that has taken up residency in your house. I failed to give them the basic of necessities and letting them feel like they found their little slice of heaven here on Earth.

My emotions are mixed as I am faced with the clean up of his existence on this day. I mean he didn’t live for very long in this house at all and the lord knows just how hard I tried. I don’t know how many people would have visited the pet store over a $6.99 fish. I was just hoping that his life was going to get better and we all weren’t faced with having to feel like this.

Correction. I feel like this as life marches on. The comment was made to me how would I ever survive when the animals with fur and feathers begin to move on. I will have to take those days as they come and move within those days. I know that when those moments in my life happen there is nothing comforting that I am going to be able to say. I fear for those days but that is why my role in their existence becomes so vitally important. My first indication that something was wrong with our beta was when I noticed when he stopped eating.

That is they key to being successful in anything in life. You have to be attentive to what you are doing and engage in your surroundings in order to get the most out of your day. How can you notice if anything is strange or out of the ordinary if you are too busy to notice that most delicate and intrinsic framework?

I notice everything like it was my own heartbeat coming from my own heart. I think it is easy to notice if something is acting out of sorts and a little bit different especially when you are blessed with the opportunity to notice them everyday. When it came to my beta I knew he was out of sorts. I think the stress of being watched by so many cats was what in the end broke the camels back. I feel awful that I didn’t notice but when I did I did everything that I could. I hope that he is swimming free off in a rice patty free of pain and others expectations on how is life should have been.


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