Apparently we are not supposed to speak ill of anybody because it becomes slander. No matter what on Earth that it is that they have done to you. They can spew so much filth and tarnish your good name but you will be at fault for the rebuttal in your own defense that you will feed the need to obsessively do.

For as long as I can remember I have played the role of the victim. Mastering the art of playing the damsel in distress I always felt outwardly attacked. I don’t know why this vein of weakness entered my body or how I would ever be able to work my way back.

My mind when it is questioned won’t turn off for days. It is like somebody hit a button and I am stuck constantly on replay. I have been up since 2 o clock this morning ever since my husband woke me when he was coming to bed. All I asked is too turn off the Big D*ck Energy coming from the late night talk show because something of what was being said was beginning to make me mad. Not in the angry sense but in the crazed feeling one gets when they fully begin to accept the shortfalls in this world.

So I cried. I curled myself on the couch and thwarted off all the the thoughts and imagery that always managed to sit in the wings encouraging me to die. There is something to be said for living in isolation even though you live inside one of the fullest houses. I know what it feels like to be hated I begin everyday with that feeling until there is no room.

My mind is playing delusions again and I believe that maybe this might be the time that I finally go insane. With nobody in the world too tell my problems too I think that I may have finally began the process of early rotting my brain.

There are holes in my vision again that only happened that one night when I seized. It’s like I can only see out of one eye and I have started to lose my vision all over again. During these times of emotional duress I wish I had a friend who could give me a hug or maybe even hold my hand. I think if I fully understood what it meant to live broken I don’t think I would have tried so hard to come alive again.

My biggest fear is what is going to happen to me once my son is older and doesn’t need me anymore. I fear all the words that have been spoken out of anger will all of a sudden be the only words about me that he fully understands and tries to hear. I want to scream so that somebody notices me and deems me worthy of human compassion and affection but I don’t think that after what I have gone through that there will be any sort of comfort that will ever come near. I am the garbage that was supposed to be thrown away and forever forgotten and I think it is time I pull the plug on that idea that I may someday be worthy of love.

When I think about the day ahead and how I have to pretend like I am happy I don’t know how I will ever get on. I can see how my energy is affecting my son and I sometimes wish I could just close my eyes and will myself to be gone. There are the days when nothing can defeat me then there is the straw that is forthcoming that ends up breaking my back. When I think about the energy that it will take just to get through the day I wonder if there is a possibility that I could just fade to black.

There is just something about today that is sucking the air right out of me and tarnishing my desire to live. All I wanted was an opportunity to be happy and now I am wondering just how much inside of me I just might be able to give. I wish the life that we were promised came a little bit easier because there are times when I just can’t take it anymore. I am thankful for the animals that I keep in my care because they keep me going always giving me the comfort I need in the darkest of times when I need them the most.

Without them I am nothing and I am becoming fully aware. I think that is why it becomes so much more devasting when they end up dying because of something I did while they were in my care. I am so tired of this part of my life, the part that hurts me to breathe. I wonder what it would take to feel a little bit of salvation before the negativity consumes everything inside of me that I have to give.

I just keep moving no matter the amount of ridicule or torment that finds me. I am aware that there are those entities that have been sent to defeat me and they will keep trying to keep the upper hand so that in time they may win. My guard has been put way up because I am tired of having to fight I just wish I had a safe place to lay my head down at the end of every night.

I don’t feel safe because I feel incredibly hated like my best is never going to be good enough so I will always feel like I failed. It’s like no matter what I chose to do in the day it is the wrong thing and I don’t understand if it makes my heart happy how it can’t be considered a win? All I wanted was to enjoy the life inside of every moment and make it be known that it is possible for true love to finally win.