Dying to Live

We all die but so many of us waste our days trying to determine how it is we want to live. We get on that proverbial hamster wheel and just run with never knowing where we are going or if we will ever feel at peace again. It begins simply before we even realize what is happening and before we begin to grow into the entity that we were born to be.

I think the single denominator that gets in the way every time is our feelings and or emotions. This underlying entitlement that makes the most mundane of us finally go insane. What is this feeling and will we ever be able to move away from it and learn to live again?

Think about it. What do we spend our whole lives doing? Running around trying to find acceptance. We chase people who don’t know us in the hopes that they will give us love. Staying out into the wee hours of the morning trying to catch a feeling that you lost or one that you are convinced you never had.

At least that is what it felt like to me. For the first 35 years of my life I just stood in one spot hoping and praying that something decent would eventually happen to me. I went through the movements but I was never fully sure. All I wanted was a life that was worth fighting for, to give me a reason so that I wanted to stay.

I lit so many candles and said so many prayers in the hopes that my salvation would finally be near. When we finally get a blessing it is often a disguise and it is up to us determine if it is something that is worthy or if it came into fruition feeding off of our lies. Life doesn’t make much sense does it as we keep spinning our wheels.

I like the cover of darkness but it also brings about a certain level of fear. I know what comes alive in the shadows and that is something that I will always keep near. Not that I want to but I am forever connected. It is just something that happens as we travel through life and it is something I feel you should know.

There will certain beings that will always pull at your heart. It doesn’t matter the distance between you in your heart you will never be apart. I like to maintain it is all in what you believe and when you finally believe in something or you able to keep it up?

For example there are those that say they believe in reincarnation then abuse animals or anything that is living as soon as no one is around. If you believe that our death, results in us coming back as something else in life then how do you know that what you are killing when you stomp down on that spider? What about when you swat at that fly or hit a cat on the streets? If you believe that we transform into another entity how can you treat something else insignificantly right before their maker they meet.

That is only based on what it is you believe. If you believe that there is nothing else to us after we are met with death that is on you but for me I want to believe that when I go that my energy disperses among what is living and will help lift up every room.

My biggest fear is after all this that I will be left all alone. Maybe that is the risk of being human that we truly do relinquish all control. I think about what happens to us in death and if I will ever meet somebody I loved ever again. It’s not lost on me that you can’t force your presence onto anybody and I think that nothing is truer even in death.

You never truly know how somebody feels about you and maybe we will learn of how they felt about us when we are resting high up in the sky. The only problem is all of our actions appear to be so trivial especially when it is impossible for us to do any more. Appreciating the life in our company is the closest to godliness that one can truly feel. There is nothing quite like that feeling of silent appreciation and accomplishment that needs no words or encouragement to be said.

I try to get the most out of my days surrounded by everything that I love. There is something about providing another entity a safe place to stay that makes my heart burst with so much pride. As they finally get to let their guard down and live out their days I get to know them and show them true love in so many ways. I try to get to know them as only one who spends time with them can. Some of my critters like fresh vegetables and others peanuts and one other likes to have fresh water so that he can play. Fresh water is all that it takes to make some beings happy and that is something that I can easily provide and do.

I like to become the master of life. Not my life silly but a master of all of theirs. For whatever reason they have found themselves to be in my care. It is not that I want to be their keeper I want to provide an existence for them that is most comfortable for us. They are the critters that time forgot about and they are the ones that needed me most.

I know that they all appreciate me as they find their own ways to communicate. There is something to be said for a creature that greets you at the front of their cage when that is the closest that they are able to get to you. Realistically I don’t want them to be confined to a cage but they would never make it on their own. What I need to do is provide for them a surrounding that they are finally safe enough to call home.

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