Damaged Thinking

There is this idea out there that being with a narcissist contributes to a deterioration of the brain. I would have to tend to agree. The battle that goes on inside of somebody who is trying to just live free is intensified when another tries to interject what it is that they truly believe.

Think about it for a minute. What are the words that everybody tries to tells us so that we can go on and have a better day. Don’t worry what the trolls are force feeding you to inhale when they are around you. Have the strength to know your worth and stand strong on your own accord. Be the energy that can increase the room and all that jazz but what happens when your positive energy becomes the rash that another can no longer ignore?

There is something to be said for the being that would rather cause you to come crashing to the ground then try to build you up. It never made sense to me why you wouldn’t want somebody you cared about to live happy instead of ripping them wide open so that other people could feast and I could feel joy no more.

It is taking me longer to recover as I take things to heart that I should be able to easily ignore. I am always wondering if they are friends or if they are in fact old enemies waiting in the wings so that they can have a chance to even out the score. I think that is why I prefer to keep people at an arms length around me I am at a point in my life when I don’t want to hear anymore.

If you don’t have nothing nice to say why bother and if you are going to say something nice why then go and try to twist your own words. I will always maintain we only succeed when we all win and we should have no desire to watch all the bodies begin to accumulate on the floor.

Life is tough and it gets harder when nobody wants you around. Being the most hated is something I never believed would ever happen to lil ol me. It seems more people liked me when I was living on the floor virtually homeless instead of getting up and trying to be the being I was born to be.

Am I trapped? Maybe I am but I don’t know. Am I scared of what will happen to me and all my animals if I make the wrong move I am fully aware that their own destiny is in my control. I think that is what is meant in the vows when they said for better or for worse without fully understanding just how worse things can actually be.

I remember my sister growing up like a ticking time bomb because my parents divorced almost immediately as soon as my sister went to University and moved away. With nobody in the house there was no more glue holding them together as the family time we spent together imploded and nobody could stand any more.

In one full swoop I lost my whole family because there was no way I would ever be able to keep an accurate score. I didn’t care if somebody cheated or if they hated each other all I cared about was the love I held for my family that would never matter anymore.

My Dad couldn’t sell our family home fast enough throwing out every single memory we had right into the trash. I think he would have set a fire too his past memories and watch them engulf into flames so he could start a new life with a new family because the pain that he was feeling was almost too impossible to ignore. Almost immediately it happened as he looked at us with so much disgust. In an instant I lost my best friend who I believed would always be my hero and there would be no going back this time as my emotions began to lose all control.

When that day finally happens there will be no going back. As an adult child there would be no room for forgiveness as I realized I grew up into a being that would be impossible for her own father to even love back.

I was a very unsavoury child to be honest. I was abused by my first boyfriend when I was just barely a teen. In that relationship I was taught to only speak to when spoken too and it is better off to listen then to ask questions and try to speak up.

In an odd way what I was taught was survival as I learn to avoid abuse in so many ways. It was easier to conform and lose all sense of identity and I think that is the thinking that might have began to distort my brain. It is hard to remove that groove from long term abuse and patterns especially at an age where our identity is just beginning to form.

I don’t know if it is brain damage or just being tired from hearing the same sort of things over and over again. If you don’t like me let’s make moves to make life better because we only live once and I hate the idea of living so miserable.

Life was designed for the sole purpose off acquiring love. That is the only thing that separates from any other living being. We are able to appreciate each other and simply communicate instead of wishing onto others insurmountable bouts of pain. I believe we live in a world where another persons happiness becomes our own source of pain and I couldn’t imagine a life so ridiculous in this growing ridiculous world.


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