There is just this different type of fear that begins to creep in throughout the day that my best will never be good enough. Not so much that it is my best that is not enough but the decisions that I make in which I decide in how it is best that I go on about my day.

My primary concern is always for the life that has no choice but to be here. The lives that almost through no fault of their own have now become trapped. Trust me when I say that I would set them free if I thought that I could knowing that they would thrive but it is in giving them their freedom that their is a chance that they would not be able to even survive.

Take my cats. I know that I have 9 but with 2 of my own and 2 from the husband and then we failed over and over again what could anybody actually expect. There is something to be said for an animal that has found themselves in a shelter through no fault of their own except for outliving their owner’s desire to keep a pet. Some pets outlive their owners and that is my greatest fear. If I died what would happen to all the animals that came to spend out their days here.

I am fully aware that the life in these 4 walls should always come first. That there is a certain expectation of cleanliness that comes for all these creatures to cohabitate and happily exist. I tend to those beings that are unable to provide for themselves. They are the ones that are kept inside of cages are aquariums so would be unable to look for greener pastures if they were unhappy with where they have come to live.

Then there are the plants I brought to life through a single seed. They are the ones that are completely immobile as they begin to flourish and take up root. You want to ensure that what they are coming alive to are the most ideal of conditions or as close to as ideal as you can make their surroundings to be.

There is so much life here and it would be nice to share in the work load that is more than scooping up the poo. There are some lives that hang in the most delicate of balances that I know there existence is dependent upon me too.

I fight for my happiness like I try to ensure that all these lives around me feel the same. I know that they would feel sad in knowing that I can be torn down by one simple minded human being. Human beings are the most primitive in their minds and therefore their own thinking with the inability to think beyond the pleasure they can receive with only just their hand. Imagine the lives you could impact with that one hand if you chose to lift it instead of playing another round of pocket pool so that you can get schooled.

There is always something to do and I don’t even work. I fear the hands on the clock that are always ticking, tocking down faster then I ever imagine they could. I hate those thoughts of time being wasted and how I can stop myself from going where I am going and I know that is impossible so I try to ignore the hurt.

I just want the life in my presence to be happy then I will move along from there. I know the house can only truly be so dirty because I know that I am not afraid to clean. As soon as I clean though it will get dirty again so why be surprised if it feels like we are living in dirt. There are only 3 dogs, 9 cats, 6 birds, 2 rodents, a crab and a 5 year old to pick up after I still can’t believe that I really am this fat.

It’s not that I am fat I am getting old so the metabolism I used to have is more nonchalant if it even works. I can tell that I am aging by the way that I think and that I hope to one day find somebody that will finally appreciate me to make sense of this life after years of marinating in so much hurt.

I hate whining but those negative thoughts always creep in because I can’t help but wondering if I am living my life right and doing the right things. I remember being 20 being scared of time and being 30 being mad at myself for wasting so much time lol I wonder if that nauseating concept of time ever goes away.

I try to focus myself in the moment but all I do is stress out because I have no idea what I am doing that some positive reinforcement might in fact feel good. I guess I would react like a love craved kitten latching onto the first person who took me in and tried to make me sing. I think that is why I have become so attentive for all the live that I find around me and why my heart breaks when I fail to provide for them even the simplest of things.

All I have to give is me, myself and all of my emotions that it stings like a bee when those I love keep pushing me away. How many chances do you give anybody before you turn and run away? I don’t know what to think any more all I know is that in the end love will always find a way so I hold onto that. All the love I have ever known and have come to know I hope that I will bask in all its glory one day.