A Life Like This

The biggest life journey we will go on is the one we will have to go on when we are on our own. All those thoughts and ideas that have been sent out to defeat us will begin to curdle inside of us if they begin to get a hold. Where do we go when the rest of the world no longer cares to know us and where do we find comfort in an increasingly cooling off world.

I think where we go wrong in relationships is forcing unreal expectations onto each other. Why force somebody to respect you when they can’t even respect themselves living in squalor until you get too old. I think it is the consistent lies told me that rotted my brain and drives me insane.

How do you begin to move forward when the company you find yourself around wants to drag you right in? Drag you down to the depths of discontent, worry and abandonment the levels to which a normal person would have no choice but to go insane.

I knew love once and I have spent the rest of my life looking for it. Forever and ever I waste time looking for it even though I know I may never come across it again. What I know is love never wants to cause pain or even torture you they want to lift you high enough so nobody can never possibly hurt you ever again.

I miss that love and I hold onto that memory and I think I will end up doing so until I take my last breath. It’s been 15 years but I still remember that moment like it was yesterday. That moment when the look from another makes you feel alive. I only felt that once no matter how hard I tried and that is why I no longer waste time with beings who don’t make me feel alive.

I mean our pets search for it, that immediate gratification that makes anybody feel weak in the knees. You can tell they are happy when they find themselves in certain company and there is no better place that they can find in this whole wide world. That feeling needs to be bottled and remembered so we can make a difference in this cruel, cold world.

I want that love that used to keep me going during those days when my heart was broken and I could barely feel awake. I thought that as long as I kept going he would eventually find me how was I to know that he would be forever kept away.

Those days, although isolated, were the most loved filled of my life. I was working so hard and so was he that all we had was our text messages to remind us who we wanted to be to each other but it seemed like the Universe would forever keep us away.

There are so many types of people in the Universe and we all wish we could live our lives in our own way. Who would believe that those closest to us would be the ones set out to defeat us who would push our heads down so that we would never experience any joy.

I think that is killing me is all the lies. They take away from me in ways that I can’t even begin to explain. When I look around and see all the ways that he continues to betray me it makes me want to throw my hands up in defeat and forget about the day. Imagine living on pins and needles waiting for the next insult because you know that it will be coming before the end of the day.

That inner fear that I feel I wish that I could feel anything else. I wish the Universe would give me something to hold onto like give me just one friend in the world who wants me to keep my eyes awake. This one friend would have to be some sort of enigma because it would be the biggest weight in this world just trying to be my friend.

With so many secrets and skeletons in my closet my biggest fear would be having my friend being punished for all the sins that I was forced to live thru. I don’t want anybody to hurt because of the life that I lived. All that I have ever wished for is for somebody who understands and to whom I can call a friend. That idea gets carried away with the wind though as I prepare to be punished for every seed that I sowed.

Imagine how different the world would be if we could focus on who we were born to be and come into the being that we are. I know that my shine is irritating at best to the company that I find myself in and I wonder how much longer it will take until I am finally able to find mine.

I don’t want to cry anymore when I am simply trying to find my way to live and finally be. I know that from the time that I was able to think and go out on my own I was left vulnerable and open to all the evil things out of my control. I didn’t know what abuse was until he was hitting me in the face. The bite marks were just the finishing move with his bit marks being the icing on the cake.

Nobody cares or wants to believe you as they cite you can make the decisions in your own world. If you don’t like how somebody treats you leave them with very little consideration how we will be able to even make it on our own. That isn’t the reason to stay but maybe the fear of all the lives lived inside is. I don’t want to put anybody else at risk to try and endure a life lived like this.


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