Imagine living this existence and I don’t mean just any existence I mean I have lived this life before. Somewhere between being a young girl and coming of age my eyes were wide open to what a relationship could possibly mean and I was scared of knowing more.
The one I had found myself in was incredibly violent and my parents were going through something kind of similar if not that the same. Well I never saw my dad be violent with my mom like my ex but all the insults and defamatory statements were sounding kind of about the same.
In a parallel Universe I can see now all the damage that was being done to my mom. I couldn’t imagine how awful that would feel and I can’t tell her enough I appreciate how great of a mom she was to me. She held herself together with such composure, like I never could now I sit her wondering wishing that she would. I can’t expect her to help me even though I know it hurts her learning of what is happening to me. All she is doing is being a shoulder and she is becoming the ultimate lifeline to me.
The validation that I feel from every housewife that has had enough and has decided to wander off is coming at me in spades. It’s like I don’t feel like I need anybody but it would be nice to have a companion that would be a compliment to my existence instead of aggravating me in so many ways.
“Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you in this house.” Imagine these are the words that are being said when the house is as quite as a mouse. In front of our son this war goes on and it makes me cry on the outside as it kills me inside. How does one be kind when the other party only cares about being mean. There is something about hearing the same words over and over again that can drive even the most sanest people insane.
With so much at stake I strive for perfection at best. If I am going to lose everything I am going to make it count as I drive off into the sunset looking for safer land. How did I even get here as I begin to open my eyes? There is a fear that I have already failed at this life and all I am doing is wasting away my years.
Respect is supposed to be earned isn’t it but what happens when it is lost? What if somebody tarnishes how you feel about them over and over again. They shatter all your hopes and dreams around you as they begin to laugh right there in your face. There is something about admitted public failure that makes you feel like the ultimate disgrace.
I am nothing but a hermit to scared to go out. I think I lost everything when I journeyed out into this life and I fear it is nothing but over from here. There is no way about it but I have designed my own hell. I don’t know what to anymore about it all I know it is affecting my health and I am beginning not to feel well.
My whole body aches as I begin to fill with fear. There is something to be said with keeping your enemy so close and near. There is always the possibility that they will decide to lower the boom. They will capture every positive memory that you remember as you begin to fear every room.
Where do you go for happiness when the people around you only want to take it away. I fear that if I hear one more name or bad word said about me I just might go insane. Imagine having to clean up for a crew that thought the most horrible of things. Not only do they think these things but they want you to embrace being called by another name.
I can’t do it. Clean up when I am hated. I feel more like a slave who has been captured instead of the wife and mom that I should feel and I am not too sure what I did to get here. It hurts so much I can’t even explain and it will take a lot of time to get out of here that this continue abuse might just rupture my brain.
To me it’s like we had one mission to do when we came down here and that was to be kind. If you start a family and a begin a new life I don’t understand why so many of us think it is so easy to hit rewind. I get there is so many of us that we all want our pie and eat it too but what happens in the end when this is all over and you are looking around at all the strangers looking at you.
That is where we go when we get there just a butt in a seat watching the world go by. If you don’t ensure that you have a family here on Earth that will unconditionally love you then the loneliness will come and carry you off right before you die.
Sometimes us housewives get such a bad rap. All I wanted was a family and I am not sure what I ended up with instead. I have a husband who comes and goes as he plays with little to nothing being said to us. There are times when there is no working vehicle or phone line but I know that this is something that happens to others too.
I wish that there was happiness inside of these four walls instead of the hate running rampant here. I should have to here how much I am hated right before I head off to bed. In my 43 years I have never felt so alone. I am not sure where I am going and in the end if I will even have a home.