To Co-Sleep or Dream?

My confession? I co-slept with my son up to a few days ago. He just turned 5 in October so let me tell you how this life came to be.

It was never a matter of space in fact we have always lived in a 3 bedroom. Our bedroom, our sons and of course a spare for guests that never seem to arrive. It’s not their fault when the world shut down then to keep our house full of love we stuff it full of any animal that was lost and needed to be found.

It started off quite simply. A little bassinette in the corner of my room by my bedside. It was easiest to get up and care for him once the husband was working out of time. Being a mom is terrifying but being one at 37 is even worse. All you hear is how you are too old to get up and get motivated so everybody is waiting in the wings for you to fail so they can laugh and jeer and tell you they told you so.

He was 6 months old when we started and I was terrified I would roll over on him if and when I finally drifted off to sleep. There is something so magically about being blessed with the care of a newborn little being that can lift you to the highest peaks like you have never felt before.

The years flew by in a blur as I focused on all the glory that I was basking in that day I was chosen to become a mom. His 10 little toes and fingers were so perfect even when he was a newborn who was screaming red.

I think the husband hated the idea at first then it just came to be. I think that it made it more acceptable once we all found out Billie Ellish slept with her parents so co-sleeping began to move into the mainstream. Not entirely because most parents still like their freedom and space but after 37 years of not even knowing him how can I turn my back on my perfect little bean.

Becoming a mom changed me as I constantly try to achieve perfection around the house. It is hard when it feels like nobody appreciates you so I have to constantly remind myself it is ok to appreciate myself. Ya right am I right? I hate that my son is becoming a little sponge.

I don’t know what will happen to my once my son has become fully grown. It is sad to say that he is the glue that is holding together this broken home. Did you ever feel like you had anybody and all you want to do is cry? It is hard for me to accept that my marriage is failing as I stand stoic and watch the whole world pass me by.

My biggest fear is not ever knowing what it feels like to be loved. I don’t think I ever had a feeling where I was important enough to feel better than this. All my ex’s came about because I had set high standards for myself. We hear of people doing this but then we call them narcissistic and push them to a point where they start regretting everything they have ever felt and said.

High standards to me means you have a breaking point that others can actually reach and once they finally reach that point a middle ground can no longer ever be met. I was letting everybody’s opinion of what was happening in my family influence our behaviour inside of this house. It was a constant battle where we were constantly comparing our development of our only son.

For me co-sleeping made sense as I watched all the animals start gravitating to our bed. How can we make our son feel shame when our bed was the place where every one wanted to be. In nature animals who are a family all sleep together in a back. They curl up around the weakness and most important with a silent promise that while you drift away they promise to have your back.

When you sleep in the comfort of company they say your brain can develop better. With no need to constant worry about outside noises and queries one can find themselves drifting calmly off to sleep.

The predicament that we find ourselves in is that our son needs to have his own space. He always had a room to call his own but over his reading break we all decided to help decorate. He got to pick out a bed and then he already had all of his bedding. I don’t think I was ready for how quickly he would adapt to sleeping on his own and how in turn I would feel so lonely.

I know he has to grow and become into his own little being. I think the fear is beginning to settle inside of me that he might one day never need me. At least that is the topic of conversation these days around this house. I have a husband who is quite evident in the way that he hates me with his son that is starting to behave identically and one and the same.

All I here is get a job and start contributing to the house. It’s not like I had a career I loved that I gave up for this life when I became a mom. To hear everything constantly being thrown at me just makes me want to run away. It is hard to keep showing up to do nothing with my whole life and world on display.

I remember when I was a mom at first I was constantly comparing myself to what other mothers were doing. I forgot that the most important thing to establish was our bond and connection so that it will get stronger everyday until we are older and are no longer one with this world.


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