To Live Broken

This constant internal battle we face where we are constantly seeking outside validation is incredibly damaging. Like we are only able to be accepted and liked based on the value others have passed onto us. Imagine an existence where your best is never enough and you are always treated like dirt. What hope in hell did I have in becoming anybody when just existing has always hurt.

It’s the fear I find crippling. The constant worrying and wondering if you are ever able to get anything right. Then there is the fear that the people you love are talking bad about you so I put my nose down and try to run but I have nowhere to go. Not that I have anywhere else to be I would just like it to feel better while I am here.

I never thought another person’s rage could have a long term affect on me but now I can see how it has in so many ways. It has altered my pysche and my personality as I try to mitigate through all this negativity so I can live to have a better day. That task is almost insurmountable at best. How can you try to lift the energy in the room when you have another entity that is utterly content in living in misery and anger?

I never thought there could another being who could hate my existence more than myself until I met my partner. I set him off in every possible way that I will never believe that he is capable of ever liking me. I swear just looking at me sets him off as I scramble to get out of his way. The pressure that I feel builds up in his presence and I can’t understand why another being would want to live this way.

So why do I stay? I stay in the hopes that maybe life will get better and that one day he will wake up and one day want to change. I don’t see that as being a very realistic ideal as I now it is only a matter of time before his rage begins to come out and play. When I close my eyes all I see is his disgust and anger spitting at me with all his rage. How does one even decide how to fill up ones day when you know that you are going to be criticized and ridiculed for whatever I chose to do that day.

It’s like every time this happens I look towards outward validation to say it isn’t so. The problem with the world looking in on the outside is they are quick to take off the fruit from the hard labour that you have already sowed. Somebody always wants to profit without lifting a finger and I am proud to say that I am not him. I am one to work my fingers until they are broken off with their head until the last one is dead.

I ask myself all the time what I would have done differently if I decided not to believe all the lies. The problem with not believing with what was being said to me is I don’t think I would have brought my son into this world. I was always one to try and do things traditionally even if the end wasn’t very traditional at all.

I sacrificed my WHOLE life to get here. Left numerous boyfriends for no reason, well no good reason most starting from the very basics of their refusal to have any manners and say please. And there is ALWAYS the way they treat their mothers or the females in their family. This you need to keep your eyes and heart open and be prepared to run if you don’t like what you see. The fruit don’t fall far from the ones that have raised them so if there is something that is amiss you better get lost in those said trees.

I am an advocate for change and that we can all learn to be better but what if some believe that there is best is something that they have already come to be. No amount of lies, truths or accolades will ever get them to see the error of their ways and I am one to stand here and tell you that it is going to be ok. At least I think it is. Don’t live like me be better than me. I will be the first to tell you to run if you think that you can be saved.

There is so much damage in putting too much faith in those that you hope will eventually save you because there is a chance they have their head shoved too far up their own *ss to see what is happening to anybody else. This is also another hard avenue to find yourself walking down because you don’t want to be putting to much misplaced energy into somebody who is never going to even believe.

I am not going to chase anybody anymore because most of these people kicked the life out of me when I couldn’t even breathe. I need to work on the continuous improvement of my own self worth and stop taking it so personal what everybody around me believes. I like me and my pets do too. At least that is all that I can hope for when I live in a shoe. Well not a literal shoe but something does kind of smell funny in here. I wonder what it would take to live in a room without so much obnoxious air.

Everyday is different and this one starts the same I can not tell a lie but what I fear is what will happen when eyes are awake and hearts are open because that is when the most damage occurs and I don’t want it to be this way anymore. If only more people were away of the consequences of their own actions maybe they would try to live a little differently instead of encouraging others to live so broken.


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