A Life Like This

I think how we continuously fail as humans is we put on expiry date on love. Love was never meant to last our whole lives but serve as a means just to waste away our time. Just look at how fast ones backs are turned when two people are unable to see eye to eye.

The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side until we realize once we get over there that it is all burnt and dead. How were we supposed to know that life was going to turn out this way with the wool that we have become so familiar with being pulled right over our eyes.

I didn’t wait to settle down with just anybody it took until I was 37 years old. So many guys that I dated were inconsiderate ogres letting the time that we lived in get right to their head. I guess it is true that love does have an expiry date with them quickly beginning to annoy me and irritate me instead.

My 20’s was rough. I was easily used. I had this insane idea in my head that if I was together with someone we would become a unit doing half of the work. Right? Nah. Some men are out there with their hands out just waiting to see what they can get and they will suck the life right out of you with not even a second a thought.

The love language that I chose to express how I felt about the men I was dating was always acts of services and gifts. They never had a problem accepting anything of value while they felt comfortable giving me nothing but junk instead. It should be the thought that counts right but what if not even a sh*t was considered or given?

I know I sound petty but it seemed to be happening to me all of the time. I bought one of my ex’s an OGIO golf back and a gift certificate for a set of clubs and all he got me was crap from the dollar store. Looking back at his reaction it was priceless but I could tell that we weren’t thinking the same. How can one person spend under 20 dollars and the next person spends thousands I can promise you we were never on the same page.

Until it happened again with a different ex. I remember him wanting an XBOX and I just wanted him to be happy so I bought him a system and some games. Never mind for his birthday I had taken him to Florida and on a cruise to see the Southern Half of the world. What a joke. Come Christmas morning all I got was he was too busy to get me anything because I am always around him so I guess in all reality my ex thought he was the gift.

There was no way I was going to live out my life with such inconsiderate beings. One is a self entitled disaster and the other gets cheated on by his wife every single day.

I have these boundaries that nobody out there cares to understand. Being my friend is not your right and not your entitlement that I would rather fly solo until the end. It’s like once you have wasted enough time with the wrong type of people you keep your nose pointed towards the Heavens so that you never have to look down.

The biggest failure of what it means to be human is all the things that make us humans that we insist on taking away. If we don’t like the decision that one being makes about us then we will distort it and take away all mean. I love happy couples right before they break up. Then it is like wham bam thank you mam give me the gifts I gave you in a last ditched effort attempt to come across malicious but all you are seen to be is petty. I reassurance of your childlike behaviour that will keep me comforted in the those long nights resting in the grave.

I never asked for anything back because in the end I just wanted them to go away. I knew that in order for me to move on and get to where I was going I would need to put away the “gifts” that were given instead of putting them out on display.

Dictate to those that will listen to how you want to be treated then draw that marker in the sand. I don’t have time for wish washy behaviour when everything else around me seems so extreme. Everywhere you look somebody is being triggered and exclaiming to us how it is that we should try and be. I live in a world where we have to start with an identifier instead of people trying to understand all that is me.

I gave up a long time trying to force anybody to like me and focus on liking myself instead. I spend the most time being in my own company anyways so why try to impress people who won’t even think about me after I am dead? I guess you could say in my years I have grown incredibly picky keeping those life suckers at bay. You know the ones that are a constant contradiction that are always looking at you to bite your tongue after all the words that you say.

It would be exhausting wouldn’t it? Always caring more about the people around you then yourself. Tiptoeing around trying to keep other people happy when inside you are miserable and always feeling down. Like your best will never be good enough no matter how hard that you try so you learn to live in silence watching the whole world pass you by.

There will always be others that need justification for the way that they live their life. They are the ones that are keeping score wanting to get the value that they put into something before they turn on their heels and leave and to this existence I don’t think I can take much more.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s