Lose Control

I am suffocating. At times I can not breathe and I feel sick. I don’t even know how it is I got to be this way all that I know that it is going to be another day of Hell that I am going to be forced to endure.

The mentality of reducing somebody else to ashes is something that I can not even fathom or even begin to comprehend. Why waste your own time behaving in such away? Does it make you feel better coming across this way. All the insults that are fired in order to make somebody you apparently care about cry is something in my heart I can no longer begin to deny.

My stomach is in knots and my mental health is in shambles and I can’t even believe that life has lost most of its meaning as I came to be ok living in such a way. How did I get here and is it safe to leave? I don’t think so anymore so I crumble to the floor and grieve.

I grieve for my happiness that seems to be a fleeing thought these days. All I am greeted with is insults and other peoples dismay. Imagine getting told over and over again that you are delusional and you need to do something about your mental health. What if you told the medical professionals what was being said about you and they are the ones encouraging you to tell your other half to get lost.

What if all your mood swings and bouts of exhaustion can be equated to just one thing? What if you were the way you were due to an imperfect scientific make up that can be excused away by other peoples thoughts. Nobody wants to admit that maybe all you need is a handful of spinach to save you or maybe there is another fruit or vegetable that can save your life. Oranges I am looking at you.

They say it takes 21 days to form a new habit but what happens to you after 2007 days? That is how many days I have been married and the daily insecurities that have crept in over that time. Everyday I walk on pins and needles wondering if today will be the day he loses his mind. There is anger and then there is hatred and I can promise you from what I can see he keeps on walking a fine line.

Imagine being told every day how you are hated and reminded why your family keeps themselves away for the very same thing. In my mind I don’t need to stay around where I am not wanted I think I made it to 43 just fine. Of course there were bumps in the road and scrapes on the knee but there was no time to question or wonder wo is that me?

It was always me crumpled over on the ground grieving for the life that I used to have. There was no amount of drugs or alcohol that could alleviate the pain in those days I think that is why I always kept my feet on the pavement waiting on the wrong side of the road.

You can’t see what is coming for you if you ain’t looking and nobody can tell you how to live your life in the end. They can try to torment and control that day and help determine when it is coming but only you know who you truly were in the end.

No lies that were ever told about you will ever be remembered because it was those same lies that paved the way for others to live and die. Imagine an existence built only on the failures of other beings who have came into this existence then try to imagine what happens to them when they take their final journey into the sky.

This is where I get caught. What does it matter how one feels about me in this existence if I can put the blinders on and build a fortress around me so that nobody else can ever get in. I don’t need to be reminded about all the things that other people don’t like about me. It has taken my whole life for me to even begin to fly.

I get so scared of what other people believe about me that I just want to hide. If I believed what they all said I think I would just wither up and die. The problem with dying is it is so final in its end. We don’t know if and when we cross over or if we will ever feel like ourselves again. I don’t want to give up on this feeling because I know that there is this chance this is the last feeling I will ever get.

The only time my insides feel quite is when there are no other humans in sight. I am scared of their wayward opinion about me and I know that it is only them that are capable of making me hurt. Animals don’t give me that same feeling and neither do my plants. I wish I could bottle this feeling forever as it is the one feeling I want to remember and take back.

What I have to remember is to relinquish all control to the higher beings and let life happen onto me as it may. I know that I can’t control the outcome no matter how hard I try or the words that I say. I think that is why it is so important to gravitate towards your own definition of happiness on your way to doing your own things. It is the only true feeling that we want to remember as it the one feeling that is capable on pulling on our heart strings.

To lose control of all emotions is one of the simplest things. I think it is what makes us human when we relinquish our control and let our essence sing.


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