A Cracked Mind

The less I am around people the more incredibly awkward I get. Am getting. Look I can’t even speak correctly anymore. My thoughts are all over analyzed and I think it is because I am constantly trapped inside my head.

My thoughts range constantly from this desire to want to be unconditionally accepted and at least a lil bit heard. I wonder what I am supposed to be doing in this existence and if I am even coming close. There are so many changes I wish I could make but I fear that constant numbing presence of time. What has been served as a blessing to so many has also served as stabs too the heart.

I try to talk and I just stumble on all my words. The anxiety that comes over me is crippling and eats away at my head like a lil bird. When that starts to happen I begin to transcend once again throughout time.

I look for all the things that are common that no modern medicine, science or technology could ever replace. Isn’t so outlandish how far we have truly come from each other like we were hell bound on creating this into the most awful time and space.

There are certain individuals I am drawn to that I can’t explain and I am not sure why. Like hiccups throughout time that are never forgotten as they imprint once again forever before they hit the dirt.

So how does one talk to people when they are sure to say all the wrong things…they don’t. They just don’t. Let those lips remained sealed and let any and all accusations fly. I don’t want to talk about my problems because then it would seem like I am making it all about me. I am tired and more than a little bit broken as I grasp for any lifeline that maybe floating there in front of me.

It is hard to know who to trust these days when you are constantly told and reminded everyday in every way that you fail. Every dream that you tried to reach that eventually became severed and long time forgotten becomes the butt end of some cruel joke when you are trying to make a point. It is this time that I would try to mention my health that was constantly deteriorating but it became easier to break my heart instead.

It’s incredibly disorienting most of the time. Trying to decipher all the comings and goings inside of my head. Factor in that I am already incredibly nervous as I tip toe around on egg shells that I am not even sure where it is I have found myself coming to rest.

Looking around I think I notice true intentions or at least what was meant to be true and forthcoming between you and me. With blinders on I always look around with nervous trepidation because I don’t want to trigger or set anybody off for just being me.

They say who you are is more than enough as we do everything in our power to begin to strip her away. I still search for the common denominator that makes us all human instead of all the things that are similar that drive us insane.

If my best was really good enough would I have to keep on doing my hair and make up or even consider the fact that I am a tad bit over weight. I can’t help that society has made it oh so easy to reach for those turnovers and cream puffs how I wish I had more will power to just push them away.

I think that is where the unhappy beast likes to lie whose hunger is never satiated not ever will I feel whole. Filling the void with eclairs and crisps I try to convince myself that I haven’t a tiny bit of care. But I do. That nagging insecurity begins to set in that tells me that I will never be good enough and as all those nasty words are being said about me I can no longer tell if it is his voice or mine.

I go through the emotions like so many times that I have endured before. I know that I have to keep my head above water for my son but I don’t quite understand what that means when I get there. It is only a matter of time before he breaks free from me and flies. I can already hear the anger in his voice when it comes to me and it takes everything inside of me not to cry.

I know that I will do something wrong over and over again. I know that I am far from perfect so there is no need for anybody to have to sit down and stare. I will keep on trying even though I know that I will never get it right. It will curdle and fester inside of me keeping me awake long into every night.

I wish I wasn’t so short sighted when I began to push everybody away. I knew that in my heart that I would regret what I was doing but I was more concerned as that dog trying to have her day. With little to no regard to those who actually had my best interests at a heart I lit a match and set that bridge on fire in an attempt to prevent me from ever wanting to go back.

I don’t know if it was me pulling the wool over my eyes or those voices in my head. The ones that keep on telling me that my best will never be good enough and I would be better off dead. There isn’t much to look forward to these days as I go through the movements and try to stop other people from seeing red.

With everything that I am I just wish this pain would go away. I wish more people would be considerate instead of domineering in every possible way.


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