You Dumb F*ck

I feel this insane pressure inside my heart that spills out into my brain. I know I am hated here. He lets me know in every possible way. I can`t help the tears that keep falling how I wish it was time that I could just fade away.

Imagine being hated for just being you at least that is how I feel living in this house. His terms of endearment are always you f*cking goof or you dumb f*ck making sure that it is known that I am worthless never to be worthy enough to anybody else.

There is hatred and then there is this which is being down right mean. It`s like do you have no respect for the woman that bore you a child or is this the existence that you have always dreamed? The rage that came over him happened at about 4:30 this morning. He woke me up to do yet another favour him so that he could drift off to sleep.

Having dragged myself out of bed at the wee hours in the morning I asked if there was any money so that I could go and get some vitamin C. You see vitamin C helps me breathe better because it helps my iron supplements absorb better into my blood stream. What I got in turn was all this abuse. I was called a goof, a c*nt even told I was worthless and even called me a dumb f*ck when he became lost for words.

I ran to hit record on my cell phone because I am terrified of him when he begins to behave this way. He lunged after me and grabbed my throat as he took my cell phone away. I broke free and ran away into the garage so that I can run away to the neighbors if things kept getting so extreme. I collapsed into a pile wearing only my nightgown into the snow as I began to vomit from all the emotions that are making us lose control.

As this is happening I can’t get him to stop or even go away. I don’t want to react to all of his venomous poison but it is hard to feel anything but heartbroken when life begins to go this way. He loves to let know just how disgusting I am as human when all this started because I just wanted to breathe.

I need out of this hell because this behaviour is beginning to be too much. I am a shell of a woman who is tired of trying to appear put together when everything inside of me is beginning to crumble and eventually fade away.

It felt like the wind was getting taken right from out of me as the barrage of insults came that I will never be able shake clean. Imagine if your significant partner got off in calling you disgusting and any other possible name they can think of just to watch you bleed.

What I think is funny is how the husband things I forgive him. I have never forgiven somebody who has treated me this way. Friends I keep at arms length because I am too scared of what is being said when backs are turned. I used to belong to a community of back stabbers until I pulled my head out of the sand and made it to try land.

Cutting those people off is easy but what happens when the one who says the worst is the one closest to you? I maybe stuck but that doesn’t make me stupid. I am fully aware of how he feels about me every time he comes around.

Why if it is so obvious that his hatred is contagious why would I just sit around and wait? There’s a lot at stake here. 20 plus lives to be exact and they didn’t do anything to have to be forced to endure through all this pain.

As the insults kept flying I began to bubble over with rage. He already grabbed my neck once to choke me out now I was confused and scrabbling to try and figure out what to do so what I did next is something I am so ashamed to say. I grabbed that bag of lucky charms cereal that he always leaves lying around and I threw it on his head.

I am not good at this. My whole life all I wanted was to be loved. I wanted an existence based on mutual kindness and respect instead of this crazy relationship that I find myself in. I know he hates me he makes fun of me all the time. He insults me because of my reels and videos when I am just trying to find away to fit in.

So before the day has even started I hate myself in every possible way. I have no value, I am garbage and I am useless and I will never have a friend to tell my secrets to or to laugh with or even play. I try very hard. I tried very hard now I wonder why I care so much to fit in.

I think when you waited your whole life for this moment in time just so you can be here that it hurts more than anything when somebody doesn’t love and respect you back. Words hurt and actions are forever and even when it is all you wanted there is a chance you may never make your way back.

The one piece of advice that I try to remember is life is too precious and once it is gone you may never get it back. It’s like those bridges. Once you take a match to one there is no possibility of ever going back. It’s like all the damage that has occurred inside this marriage. To much has been said and done for me to ever be comfortable enough to want to go back.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s