How does one go about exercising forgiveness when they have gone so long being betrayed. I mean all the lies and the anger that has prevented two people from becoming closer is the very same energy that has begun to erode my brain.

Daily I run on fear too scared to look up so I keep my gaze fixed down hoping today might be the day when we are blanketed in sunshine instead of rage. There is this overwhelming insecurity that takes a hold of me these days and it sucks the life right out of me trying to show my son that I am ok. The problem with that is that I know that I am living a lie and there is only a matter of time before that lie rips me right open and severs me permanently in half.

We are control of our own destiny but what happens when we don’t have the means to get there? I know we all have this idea that if only we could rip off the band aid the wound would begin to heal once it was exposed to fresh air. Not so. I think sometimes once you are not able to take anything back that is when you see us as humans begin to lose control.

They say it takes 21 days to form a new habit so what that indicates to me is that 21 days of being able to play nice. No heated words or exchange of negative emotions which I think is impossible to do when so much has already happened and been said. I value what has been built inside this house in this moment but that doesn’t mean that I am going to be able to forget the words in my head.

I know who I want to be and I think I might have an idea how to even get there too. You have to surround yourself with everything you love in order to make that happen and I don’t mean what is superficial and for show I mean what has already been engrained inside of you. Me? My life? I would just like somebody who is going to be nice to me and would love to share the proverbial burden of maintaining and keeping up this house. I hesitate on the words burden because my whole life was meant to be here in this moment it just becomes a lot to take on when you consider everything else that is going on.

People can pretend and even say the words that they are sorry but I think it is there energy and their future movements that should be served up as proof. Some people are just malicious in their behaviour and have no honest intentions or motives and with those types of people you should always remain on guard. We might have to keep these people close and only we must know the reasons as we go about our own day and try not to be too bothered.

I think we need to forgive for ourselves but we should never forget. Forgive to ease the turmoil inside of our own minds and relinquish that power they hold over us inside of our own brains. Knowing who they are and what they are about is the most empowering thing but you have to keep them at arms length if you want your own life to be joyous enough to hear your own heart sing. Some people are only happiest when they see that you are pain and for as long as they are living these people will always make it rain.

I think that is where the problems come in because as soon as you try to work on forgiving somebody they are on to doing the next mean thing. It’s how they are hardwired to survive. Their own securities are the fuel that guides them and keeps them burning with a red hot rage. Anytime you smile it just sets them off. I can’t tell you what it feels like to be hated I just wish this was a feeling that would go away because I have simply just had enough.

I used to live with my heart wide open now I have had to learn with my heart closed off instead. There are those that are just incapable of coming to terms with a being that appears to be so irrational like they have never seen an ounce of sympathy or compassion coursing through their own veins.

Is that wrong? I mean after the fifth cat I just gave up and rescued a house full because I would rather spend my time living with animals then another human being. There is something about the way they accept you with no ounce of doubt in their mind. I think they are the reason why I wake up every morning and keep going. They are the happiest part of each and every day. Well my son is too but there will be a day when decides to go I know for the long term my animals will always have to stay.

Back to 21 days. Can you imagine living for 21 days in harmony? I think I need to make something to put up on the wall. Like the poster that reports work day accidents. 0 days since a worker last had a spill or a fall. We could have the same thing but make it about arguments instead! It’s been 18 days since an argument or bad word was said. Think it could work? Like setting a goal. I know that was what made me successful when it came to accomplishing anything. Like losing weight or going to school. I needed to have something that made it concrete.

I think that is why I am jaded about so many things. I always remember if somebody treated me poorly why would I want to forget all those awful feelings that some people always insist on bringing?