In Search for Authenticity

In search of my own authenticity I can’t speak to anybody else’s own truths. I know on my path to self discovery I hurt a lot of people and I wonder if it is possible to make amends with these people I hurt one day.

Goals do need to be specific and if it comes to owning my truth and my own authenticity then I think there are some things are people that need to fall into place. There are those that I desire to keep always close to me as we traverse through this life hopefully on cloud 9.

People come for a season, reason or a lifetime but what about those people that you want to rest high up in the heaven’s with one day? There are those people that are so brilliant through their own demise and I couldn’t imagine wanting to spend my life living with anybody else.

There are those people that we think about and that we know we need to stay away from but what about those people threw no fault of our own that we are whimsically and forever heavenly drawn too.

I am not a good person in the sense I am not worthy of happiness I sold that emotion off well over 20 years ago. Maybe not so long but I remember that day. I remember looking into the starry night sky trying to fully believe and absorb all the thoughts that I was having that day. I never wanted anybody to have to go through life living with the pain that I had known so it was nothing more than common sense that made me make that deal with the other side.

Be prepared to lose everything once that ink has dried on that deed. I think I would have added in a couple clauses or at least a foot note if I even had an inkling that this would pull through. Imagine giving up your future happiness for a couple people who wish you were dead. Not that you were dead per se but one gave you life and what could the other truly say?

Cheers to that. So I give up my life servicing the livelihood of others in the hopes that it will pay off my debt. I hope that there will one day be salvation coming and that what I am feeling inside will finally be heard.

It isn’t fear out of being rejected that keeps me at bay. It is the fear of pouring my heart out and finally realizing what other people have to say. Stop. Life is the whole reason why we are all here and getting to that truth is who we hope to become. We can’t fix what isn’t broken so what are doing down here spinning our wheels instead?

Nah. That can’t be it so I gravitate towards my truth. I gravitate towards the memories I had as a child right before living became so mainstream. We only have privacy if we close ourselves off to a world who already ignores us but then what becomes of us when we find ourselves dead?

What feels good in my life is caring for those in need. I do wish I had somebody to just conversate over day to day life with but I don’t want to find myself getting to far ahead. Tired of the way things are I know that I have it within me to change. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until it is all over and I find myself stepping into my own grave.

I focus on the commonalities. All the things inside of us that make us the same. What is the sense to keep whining about problems that can’t fix themselves anyways. The digger you deep into a hole that is already open the greater likelihood is you will find yourself falling in instead.

Just be honest with your truth and your own authenticity as you work towards getting all those negative thoughts out of your head. Remember it takes 21 days to fix something that is already broken so that is 21 days to fill your head with positive mantras instead, oh and gravitate towards those people who make you feel good and cheer for you when you need a friend.

Am I there yet? Almost. I think I am closer than I have ever been. The problem is there are so many limitations that are imposed on us that make having big dreams a headache instead of a luxury. Like if you don’t have the financial means to get to where you are going that feeling will drag you down instead of pushing you ahead. I think that is why you need too many cooks in your kitchen to fuel your fire instead of constantly dragging you down.

It’s hard. It’s so hard to believe in yourself like you never thought you could. You feel like a failure for believing in your value when you hear all the laughter being said about you instead. Once the laughter dies I get my confidence back but it’s during that time a piece of me dies. All I wanted was a chance and place for me to fit in. Why is it the evil inside of us always wins?

One day soon I will have the confidence to make my dreams come alive. I know I keep on saying that but one day soon I hope to fly. In my son’s eyes I can do no wrong and that is how I choose to view myself. I know it would seem so much easier to give up but what would be the fun in that?

Is there a place for second chances I think that depends on who is asking? I am not one for granting forgiveness but I have been known to ask to be forgiven. What a funny world we live in. What a shame we only get to live once.


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