A Reflection

Imagine reflecting back on your life and not recognizing who it is that you had become. Truly all the documentation that you worked so tirelessly too record now serves as a blaring record of all the ways you failed. Think about it. All these feelings that were creatively poured out onto the surface now shows our future generations all the ways that we have failed.

Daily how do we decide what is important and what kind of imprint we want to leave on the world. We don’t do we? Some of us just replicate the thoughts and ideas of those that have left their ideas out onto the world. Of course? How could we ever hope to be somebody who is unique?

During a time when EVERYTHING and ANYTHING is at our fingertips we can conform and change to be anybody in the world. There are people who spend their life fortunes trying to evolve into somebody else. Think of the Ken and Barbies we rub shoulders with in this world.

To be socially accepted or to be loved by yourself both of these are so important but so trivial when obtained on their own. I could be loved by many or worshipped by one? How do I decide the time and place I want to reside as we keep on turning around the sun? It is possible isn’t it or what would be the point?

Authenticity I feel means nothing these days as we all look for ways to get the one up over each other. I am all about singing each other’s praises and screaming our accolades but never at the expense of anybody else. The drag hurts doesn’t it and you can lose everybody wants the dust settles and you are finally awake.

I speak my truth with no worries of retaliation. Why should I worry about the feelings of everybody else? The truth is I worry about EVERYBODY but I have mastered the emotions of keeping to myself. Some days I have to bit my tongue until it’s raw just to listen to my husband tell me to mind my own business in the end. I can’t help the feelings that are coursing through my veins how I wish I had my person to help me through this but all I have is myself.

I need to become the master of my own life and forget everything else on the outside. There will be those that will be sent to try and defeat you because your energy is too powerful for you to be left alone, all by yourself. Left alone to your own devices there is no telling where you might end up or one day be. There is something so tranquil by nature when you are living your best life for all those around you to feel and see.

Acceptance means nothing if I don’t even like myself so I try everyday to find the things I like about myself. Maybe nobody else likes those things but what should that matter? It’s hard to find acceptance in your life when all you fear is the latter.

I look for appreciation in the simple things that not a lot of beings are able to find. I know it seems crazy when I say this but I found friendship in I believe to be my betta fish. Right? Don’t judge me until you try it and I can promise you it will change your life when it happens. It will teach you that we are able to communicate with each other with the commonality that we came alive being that thing.

So here’s what some of you may not know but there is a betta Olympics and there is a part of me that desires to go. Stop laughing. Interestingly enough that fish that so many just write off as not having a brain can recognize you and learn to do tricks too. I am testing this theory. K it is not a theory because this is a real thing…take a look.

So in true Ruby fashion I do as I always do and set off on a new adventure that not many would even considering doing. There is something to be said to be able to communicate with the smallest of living beings. First there was my bird Daisy and now I have the honour of bonding with my fish too. I think his name is Goldie or maybe Slimey, my son keeps changing is name.

Stop laughing and catch your breath. How can you tell if is a fish is responding? Well at first I was thinking I was out to lunch no matter how many videos I decided to watch but one day when I was enjoying his company he bumped up against my finger with his head. I put two pellets into his water and he enjoyed my company instead. He followed my finger as I traced it in the water and that is how I knew that he wanted to be friends.

I guess I could be doing anything else in this world but I think I would rather be with him. There is something so incredibly awe inspiring in this moment that being with another human could ever bring. Why this moment becomes so important because no words were needed to be exchanged in order for this moment to occur. This tells me all I need to know in this moment that it is our own authenticity that will carry us through in the end.

In search of my own authentic truth I have to try to ignore everything that is being said about me. There are those that don’t like my honest approach to living as they try to convince me to kill myself. It’s crazy to me how that is the solution instead of just hitting ignore, block or delete. I don’t want to hurt anybody as I try to understand this life. All I want is to understand my own truth and identity before it is too late and my story ends.


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