When We Are Dead

We got the call. Well before the final phone call we actually had one prior that lifted up our hopes and had filled to the brim all of our dreams. When they told us they could pick up Babette at 5:30 pm we all bundled ourselves up and climbed into the car. What would unfold over the next few hours would be nothing short of gut wrenching with all sense of normalcy being thrown right out the window.

Our precious girl always had problems breathing, it was one of the reasons why we opened up our hearts and home. How could we let someone with such a sweet disposition live in fear of not knowing where it is they were supposed to go. In her little incubator she just curled up and went to sleep. I hope she knew how much we loved her. I think a girl will always have it in her heart to dream.

The void that happens instantly when part of our family doesn’t come home is heart breaking. I know that we aren’t meant to be here forever but our hearts sure do bleed the moment they decide to go on and leave.

What was told to us is she needed to remain on oxygen and that she was responding really well to treatment and that we could come and get here in the morning. They lied. At about 1 am in this morning she went into cardiac arrest and failure and there was nothing more they could do to get her to survive.

What am I going to tell my son when he wakes up and wants to get her and I have to tell her that she is gone? How can I explain how in one minute her doctors were telling us she was going to be ok and now there is no reality where we ever going to see her again. She is gone forever only left alive in our minds. Why does life have to feel like this at times how I wish there was some serenity for me to somehow find.

The hardest thing about loving all these animals is the day that they get called next to leave. We can never stop death from coming around especially when it comes to those that can hardly breathe. I question everything I know now and wonder what would have happened if I just left her here to do her own thing. All the signs were pointing towards that we could have done something even though it was the worst case of asthma they have ever seen.

I feel sick to my stomach that I trusted those that rescued her. Why didn’t I get a second opinion and how did I get so comfortable believing in what other people thought and think. The proof is right in front of me and now her soul is forever gone. I don’t know what it will take to get through this all I know is I have to somehow because everybody else in my family is depending on me.

Everybody is broken as they wonder why she isn’t coming home. They are those that suspected that she wasn’t well enough to stay here and now we have had all our biggest fears confirmed. What I am going to tell our son is that his Bubba needed a friend. That sometimes those that we love the most become angels and we have to be thankful for all the happiness and love that their becoming an angel brings.

I am so thankful I took pictures of my son and Babs together whenever he asked me to. He loved her so much and she loved him. What a blessing being in love with an animal truly is. It hurts so much that I can barely breathe and as much as I want to be happy my heart can’t help but grieve. All of her friends that are waiting for her return will never know what happened and will never get to say goodbye. All they know is that she left and will never get to return here. How I had wished for a different ending that could somehow turn around and make things happy.

All I can think about is how mad I am at the Universe and how this whole thing is not fair. She didn’t even get a chance to know what it felt like to breathe normal. Death just decided to come for her and all we could do was sit back and stare.

As much as I feel crushed in this moment I know that I will be ok. I worry about my son in this moment as it maybe impossible to understand because of his age. I hope there is a reality where I maybe able to see her again. I don’t mean when she is cold and not moving I mean when she is alive and peaceful, full of life and air.

Did you ever try to make deals and barter like you had stake at the hand being dealt. I mean all I wanted was to make deals with the devil but there was a fear what would happen if I did. Instead I made all other kind of deals and future arrangements of little things I would do or never do again. The problem with those kind of mantra’s is that nothing makes sense in the end. I mean we are all told to value a moment but there is not too much we can do once we are dead.

What I love about my son and his perspective is he still believes in angel’s and that we all go to Heaven when we are dead. He can look to the sky and truly believe that he sees him and he fills me with so much pride when he does this but then I remember that moments will long be forgotten like everything else when we are dead.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s